Pain, less

Written by FairyDoula. Posted in Lara's blog

Pain , less I’m having strange waking experiences, my morning mourning has changed shape . Mentally I’m still wrestling with the concept that anything has been amiss these last 4 disassociated years . Especially as now some of these ways of being that I am so used to have now begun to be conspicuous by their absence. The feelings I am feeling are relaxing to my body and mind . I feel the sun on my face and I am actually happy and thankful to be alive . I think it , I feel it , I am living it . “Yeah yeah Lara “, my harsh brain tuts at me , “Just like everyone else , what’s the big fuss , just get on and stop being so melodramatic.” Then I do something new , something I would never dare to do in my life before Angel Benjammin and Energetic Therapy . “THANKYOU!” I say to my harsh critic , I bring her in closer , I mentally hug her and accept her where she is . “ It’s ok to feel this stuff now , you don’t have to keep me safe , it’s the right time for feeling emotions now , I’m safe , I’m supported and I can cope . THANKYOU for keeping me safe when I could not cope , THANKYOU for holding me when the world was dangerous and all around me were dangerous people . Right now I am safe and right now it’s time to feel . So let’s hold hands and feel together.” I mentally take the hand of my loyal soldier , I accept her as part of me and together we explore how it feels to be Lara , waking up in 2019 . It’s gentle, my stomach is soft , no rigid terror clamps my baby empty middle, no grey sadness muddies my mind . I’m warm and safe , I know because it smells and sounds safe and no one is grabbing or dragging me .Just this is enough to spark off a thought of “ This is unusual, this feels strange ….” However instead of this thought spiralling into panic , I sit with it , I feel deeper and revel in the softness , the warm ness , the whole body mind soul feelingness. I’m reminded of my therapy session the day before and then remember what we worked on . Most people who have known me for this last 7 year cycle would assume that the big Traumatic event in my life that I need help to process would be the stillbirth of Angel Benjammin at 38 weeks and bleeding to death afterward. However this is not so . Angel Benjammins Birth was a gift . The extremeness of the event drew my family and friends towards me and opened a tiny hole , cracked a tiny chip into the blackness and darkness that had covered me for as long as I can remember. Once, I was happy and free , at some point my experiences taught me that I was bad and that I deserved badness because I was bad and my badness was responsible for all the badness I experience. Logically this is obviously not true , however the rules we make for ourselves when we are making sense of the world make sense at the time and later on we just forget that we ever made that decision. And logic did not make these rules , trauma and fear did! I and many other people I have met and spoken with are aware that within our minds is a harsh critic, a sergeant major , a loyal soldier , keeping us on the straight and narrow , making sure we do not behave in a way that will get us punished , hurt , abandoned or beaten again. So here we are , just circling again and again, within triggered trauma reactions to others behaviours. Always right but always ending in a loveless, sad, possibly violent confusion . Reset , it takes courage , it takes persistence, maybe life has to get so bad that there is no other choice but to change . Example , your baby is dead and pretty soon if you don’t let someone help you you are gonna bleed to death! Extreme , but that’s what it took , that is what finally cracked open my hard shell that had disassociated me from my feelings and me mattering for so long . And that black hard shell was what we observed ,changed and let go in therapy this Tuesday morning. . AIT is an energetic therapy , Alternative Intergrative Therapy is it’s science name , I call it the Chakra clearing one . I say a statement whilst holding one hand where I feel the statement the most , in this instance in my centre Pelvis energy centre , the other hand starts at the top of my head Crown energy centre and as I say the statement I breathe and release any energy residue out and down thru my body . This time the statement was “The belief that I am bad and I deserve bad things “ I say the statement breathe in and out 3 times , feel what comes up then move my hand down to my next energy centre ,on my forehead then repeat the statement , breathe, release, observe, then The Chin, Throat , Heart , left Heart , right Heart, Solar Plexus , centre Pelvis, right Pelvis , left Pelvis , Root front and Root behind . Then I place my hands in my lap and I observe what comes up . When I first did AIT on the trauma surrounding Angel Benjammins Birth I was surprised how separated from feeling I felt , I could see myself in a bubble but I was ok , just I observing my situation not touched by feeling , then as we explored and found my shell and its roots then I began to feel . My Angel gang Angel Benjammin, Billie Rose , Ben , Nanna Ivy And Granny Ethel all moved in close , they helped me stay in my body and experience and release these feelings and the buried experiences that caused my belief in my own badness and my thought that I deserved no help . An hour passed in what seemed like 5 minutes but also my whole life played out and reset itself , we had been in a truly timeless moment. And this morning I awoke , with no pain and no terror . I am waking up from my disassociated existence and beginning to truly feel and be alive once again! Gentle joy and peaceful existence is now possible. So gently does it , Me feeling, is new , but I like it and I intend to do more ! Blessed I am ! I send this out to us all . Our time is now and our feelings matter . Be brave try something new , you never know you might finally start to know what it feels like to be free instead if just wishing it!!!! Big big love! You are AMAZING! Xxxlovelaraxxx

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