Written by FairyDoula. Posted in Lara's blog

It’s Angel Benjammins death day on Tuesday and birthday on Wednesday not sure brain can do the website thing this week so here’s the writing anyway ! Arghhhhhhh! Any extra love fully appreciated! Xxxlovelaraxxx

Emotion Perception Trauma Connection. This week I have not been the best version of myself, or have I ? This week I did not ‘Hold it down ‘ This week I ‘Lost it.’ What do I do when this happens ? I shout , I yell , I fight to be heard . I basically do everything possible to make sure what I really want to say has no chance of getting heard above shouting me. My nerves are raw and most of my mind body and soul seems to be screaming getoutgetoutgetout! How I feel is how I feel , what I perceive is what I perceive. Or is it? Therapy so far has made me aware of trauma based reactions in my thinking processes . It’s possible that what I think I’m seeing and feeling is not my actual reality but something my trauma has overlayed on what’s actually happening. Still with me ? The thought and possibly of this reality stretches my brain so it feels a bit like silly putty. It’s not comfortable and stable. It’s moving and moulding new structures , it’s questioning what I’ve always known to be true . Is it possible that I am loved and supported and that I can trust that I will always get what I need in the perfect time in the perfect way. Is it possible that the experiences of the past that have lead me to believe that life is not trustworthy and that I am to be abandoned because of my badness ,could be released from my Mind Body and Soul. The arguments and violence negativity and separation all feel so familiar. Even if the feelings aren’t pleasant at least they are familiar. And this is what I am working on releasing ! Releasing the long held beliefs of my badness and wrongness, my craziness my madness. Taking a step back when shouting happens in me or someone else . Stopping and breathing, walking away and allowing tensions to relax , peace to settle, before any other communications commence. Really noticing how I feel and taking the time to be kind to myself when I freak out . Trusting the people I have around me are willing and able to hold me safe while I reconnect my Mind Body and Soul , clearing out the out moded programs and stories , making space so I can reveal myself to myself and create my reality for me . I’m not the easiest person to live with and love at the moment. My oldest friends tell me that I never have been and they love all of me no matter what , so I keep this truth at the core of me and no matter how ‘High Maintainence ‘ I am presenting as I trust and believe that ( I tap my sternum whilst I say this )

“Even tho , I still lose my temper and react in ways that I do not feel at peace with, I still , truely and deeply , Love Honour , Cherish and Respect Myself. All parts of myself, including my totally justified anger and rage . And I ask for help in healing , And I give thanks that it is happening. “

And when it’s still hard and I’m crying and confused I hold my head back and front and I say ,

“There is. A part of me , that knows how to release all this Anger and Rage . All it’s , roots and all it’s connections to my soul in all lives and times. This part of me it informing the rest of me now , and it’s doing it with ease and grace . Information download complete!”

The work in progress , my conscious mind , the clearing out of the trauma barriers and blockages between it’s connection to my Body and Soul Is heavy hard going work with moments of majesty and whole eternities of hellish terror. It’s all in my mind . And now I see it , up front , no frills , bare raw pain trauma and terror , dampened down for a lifetime to fit into an idea of what I am. I see it and with a courageous heart I step into the little known. I peel back the layers of my onion to find that core of Peace Love and Joy inside me and together we celebrate as we sort out the rubbish , ready to compost what I don’t need anymore to feed the small saplings of my newly found self . Xxxlovelaraxxx

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