I am my ancestors’ wildest dream
Therapy is not for the faint of heart! Therapy is the place where the individual warrior of a Family line faces all the traumas that her Ancestors suffered in silence and brings them into the light to be seen, heard, felt, forgiven and released.
As I delve deeper into the process of healing complex trauma I am beginning to accept that I have been existing in a state of high adrenaline alert in some parts of my disassociated self for a long time. It becomes obvious that my high metabolism is due to the anxiety high level of processing I have been doing all the time, without even knowing it!
It took the very beautiful and traumatic stillbirth of my Angel Benjammin Love on March 13th 2014, to make me consciously aware of how hard-shelled I had become about my own deep feelings and anyone’s ability to help me, as I was obviously terrible, horrible, bad and wrong. Or, so my inner sergeant major would tell me.
I have walked bravely into adventures of birth, death, sex, violence, chocolate, Love, Earth, Air, Fire, Water and Spirit, my whole 46 year life. I’ve always felt terrified but I’ve always been able to disassociate myself from the terror and just do whatever needs to be done to make the biggest Love and Joy possible.
I started going physically numb, brain racing , hands shaking , experiencing some not quite physical ,mental memory. Small things were huge, people talking but only making strange noises to my ears, again and again, thoughts bashing my self in about badness, wrongness, guilty, sinful, wickedness. I was terrified and now I was feeling it.
Over time and with my sturdy guide and therapist Sandra, I have begun to release the energetic charge of many lifetimes of experiences and traumas.
When I started voicing my Sergeant Major I realised that some of the words were too old for this life. I journeyed to my ancestors and asked them if I was carrying trauma from my family line and my Grandmothers told me yes. Not wanting to get stuck in wallowing in misfortune and historical oppression of Women by Men we can pretty much get that a Lara born 300 years ago( about 7 generations back) would be having a pretty hard time, what with the Christians, the rapings, the torture and the burnings.
I don’t need to still carry the charge of these experiences in my genetically-descended body. This time around, I’ve made it far enough to start to process the trauma, stored up from many generations, ever since the Women were stopped from bleeding and releasing together in a sacred circle.
When I practice Chakra clearing on, all of the times and ways I have been used and abused, the visions around my Solar Plexus Chakra come thick and fast.
I’m an old woman; lost, alone, cold, hungry – in pain; physical and mental, knowing I am going to die and knowing that the powers that were making it so were so so so wrong.
I felt her, I smelt her, I was her and I released her, and she was gone and at peace.
Waking each day in a state of terror and then activating the self-love of drinking warm cider vinegar for my digestion and doing salute to the sun and yoni yoga for my body , then some tapping and affirmations to calm my mind , and eating fruit and chocolate-filled porridge for my energy and nervous system – it’s a process of self-love that I still feel unworthy of most days . But I know it’s trauma talking when my brain says ‘why are you doing this stupid hippie stuff? ‘ because by the time I’ve finished my routine the voice and terror are gone and I feel nourished, calm connected and Loved ( and I don’t mind so much that I had to get up an hour earlier to fit it all in before working!)
I imagine a life-time where I was taught self-love and self-care at school, at home, as part of my daily life, as normal stuff that everyone knows and practices. I imagine how we would all treat ourselves, each other and the awesome planet that we live on, if care for the amazing beings we are was our first thought each day.
We are descendants of stolen, raped women and invading men; we are the descendants of slaves, serfs, villains, servants, labourers and soldiers; we have been starved, beaten and trained to do as we are told without question for at least the last 500 years – maybe even 1000!
We are all waking up; our children are showing us that simply obeying is no longer possible! The special educational needs of children in the 20 years since state schools stopped caning and hitting children to obey and be quiet, are now off the scale!
Our children are showing and inspiring us with the new language they have generated with their behaviour. The oppositional defiance, the attention deficit, the dyslexic, dyspraxic, the Asbergers( did you know asberger diem in Latin means divinity? ) the Autism ….. there are more , I don’t know them all , there will be more as the older generations attempt to put labels on the higher evolved version of humanity that they are still trying to educate into an outdated system that only serves a select few.
We are evolving and every action of self-care and self-love that questions the authority that calls us consumers is a step towards a new brighter future for the next 7 generations. This work is confusing and tiring, accepting that some things we have always known to be true may be wrong, or just simply no longer appropriate is hard and scary for some – and it’s exhausting! Some of us will give up and just turn on the telly and open another beer to go with our Big Mac, some of us will keep on, tiny action by tiny action, new thought by new thought, grains of sand gradually growing to a huge beach.
For all of us, wherever we are in our evolution I offer the blue diamond meditation.
Blue diamond meditation
Sit or lie down and close eyes, breathe deeply 3-5 times, accepting the breath in through the nose and releasing the breath through the mouth.
Focus your intention on the place that your little finger touches when you place your hand flat sideways on your chest, top finger in the dip between your collarbone.
That little finger place is a good place to tap to focus your energy. Some people call it your Thymus ( I might have spelled it wrong!)
So now imagine a blue diamond in that place. I imagine a twelve-sided shape; a dodecadron, with lines going from the centre ( I like drawing them! It’s two six pointed stars or 4 triangles on top of each other!) then I let the lines go down into a point at the bottom and then it glows light blueish .
Once you’ve imagined and seen your blue diamond, with a breath send one up above your head into the sky, and one below your feet into the Earth.
Keep breathing deeply and letting the diamond glow!!
Now set the Earth diamond below your feet spinning in an anti clockwise direction, allow this action to open the floodgates for all that no longer serves you to be released into the earth to be composted, and recycled to create positive energy in the Multiverse.
Now, set the blue diamond above your head spinning clockwise and allow this action to open up the Connection in your crown chakra to allow the positive energy of the Multiverse to flow into you replenishing you and healing you, giving you energy, strength love and the ability to laugh!
Breathe deep and allow the process of releasing and acceptance to flow through the Blue diamonds and your spiritual physical body.
When you feel full and cleansed, now with a breath expand a blue diamond from your thymus best place so that the blue diamond is now all around you like a superhero special diamond multi faceted shield and extra sensitive skin!
Now allow your consciousness to allow the possibility of all the beings on Earth all having their own blue diamond and all of them connected across the planet , connecting , loving , energising, creating.
Breathe deep and allow yourself to feel how this connection really feels. Let yourself smile, breathe deep, give thanks to all that is, which includes yourself. Wiggle your fingers nose ears and toes and open your eyes.
If you can write or speak about how you feel straight away the experience will solidify into your experience more solidly and the meditation will come easier next time. I suggest trying it twice a week and seeing what the effects are.
I would love to hear from you about your experiences!!!
I can only speak about my own experiences because that is what I know to be true for me. I don’t think I have answers for everything, I do hope that my experiences can be an inspiration for others stepping forward into their own healing journey, and I would love to hear fyou!ou ! This is an exciting time and we are all part of humanity’s evolution! So let’s get on it !!!!
WE ARE OUR ANCESTORS WILDEST DREAMS Xxxlovelaraxxx