Rust Conversion

Written by FairyDoula. Posted in Lara's blog

Rust conversion

I’m manifesting a floating home out of others castoffs and generosity. It’s not easy ! Especially whilst going deep into my self with 6 months energetic therapy ! Last week someone whose known me awhile told me that if all the good I’d already done in the world came back to me all at once this is what it would look like . So great to have someone’s outside eye on my being, because from inside my head ,me doing good has always been me doing stuff so I won’t be abandoned, so people will accept me , so I will be allowed to exist even though I am so so so so so bad , wrong and terrible! Hang on ! My extra bit of brain calls to me . Look around you again, see the help that you are receiving, see the support around you . This is the support that someone needs if they are going to drag themselves up out of the depths of grief and trauma. I have been cleaning the front deck , entrance to the Love Boat , this morning. There is dust and sawdust , flakes of paint , mud and rust. I know I have to sweep and clean it all back then chip off any flakes of rust and sand it off. Then I can paint on the rust converter which will stop the rust going in deeper by literally changing the oxidising of the metal into rust ! It’s brilliant stuff ! And as I chip away at the old bits of rust and mud and moss I realise that the process of my therapy is very much the same . I’ve been covering up my rusty bits and ignoring them for as long as I can remember. I believed that these bits were in me because I was inherently bad and I deserved the pain and terror I have felt , just living a ‘normal ‘ life . I believed it was all my fault and that I was damaged, disordered and broken . Bless Angel Benjammin for showing me that life is more than just damping down and fronting up! Thanks be to him and all my awesome family and friends who held me fast to this life and refused to let me go . They knew I was supposed to be here , they could see me underneath the rust and the dirt of my life experiences. They shouted loud enough so even me, so disassociated and half in the land of the dead with my baby , could still hear them . They all , and their Love were the dustpan and brush that swept the wreckage of my fake life away. Their love and support helped me to see that many of my brains processes were damaged and some totally broken . Together with MEET , Sandra and my awesome Angel gang, Angel Benjammin, Billie Rose , Nanna Ivy , Granny Ethel and Ben I have been chipping away at the gathering moss and rust , I have been wiping clean the surroundings and creating a clean smooth surface for converting the last remaining bits of rust . Interestingly when I’ve painted the rust converter on not all the surfaces are smooth anymore. The straight edges of the angle iron are a bit wobbly now . There are pits and patterns in the metal , forming shapes and patterns. But now the rust is no longer penetrating deeper . It has stopped and is now a memory as I look at the patterns that it’s process has left . It’s obvious that there has been rust , and even as I paint onto the pitted now blue metal l know that if I ignore any rust bits they will finally eat through the hull and sink me ! So this is me cleaning, sweeping, washing , converting and painting. Being relentless with my attention to bringing out any old dirt and moss , knowing that a thorough job now will give me a really firm foundation to build on and a deep physical energetic knowledge that where I am is firm and clear and real . It’s obvious to me, we in this paradigm of the last 2000 years have suffered trauma and been eaten away . Now we have the opportunity to clean back all that we have ignored and covered up . Now, we have the chance to glorify in the patterns we have gathered. To shine them up , paint them brightly and be proud of our process! Xxxlovelaraxxx

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