Me and CPTSD!

Written by FairyDoula. Posted in Lara's blog


So here I am! Fresh out of this weeks therepy session with a book to read too!!! Pete Walkers ‘ From surviving to thriving,’ It’s quite shocking to finally start to accept that the monsters in my mind could actually be symptoms of unprocessed trauma! It’s very hard to accept that my ‘perfect’ childhood created the traumas that I am now actively healing ! I love my Mum and Dad and I love the happy memories of my childhood and wish to forever keep them shiny gold in my mind to see and cuddle whenever times are hard ! I love you Mum and Dad and THANKYOU for all the love and support you have given me my whole life !!!!

Right, that’s the truth from one aspect of my mind , now here it is from another direction. I grew up In a small town with working parents who both began work at 16 and worked every day and paid taxes until they were 70! They believed fully in the paradigm in which they lived and wanted nothing more than for their daughter to be normal! They had me!!!! Born bum first at least 2 months early and bright yellow! No time for any pain relief and no nurses present just Mum and Dad and little yellow me!!! Obviously very quickly I was whisked away to an incubator and fed on formula , it was 1973! My mum was a good girl and ‘just did as she was told’ even when they told her she was not allowed to breastfeed me cos I was too small and didn’t let my parents touch me for 2 months !

They used to stand at a window and wave at their little yellow baby !

I was in the glass box , not touched by anyone’s skin !

Only pricked by needles and fed by bottles!

I was alive ! And after too many miscarriages an alive baby was a cause for celebration , no one would ever question the way the doctors and nurses decided I should be treated, that’s just normal!!!!

Until 2 years ago I have spent my whole life feeling that there was a barrier between me and ‘normal people’ separate because of my oddness and not normal ness , hearing my families wishes that I could just be normal and having no idea why I wasn’t or how I could be so!

I spend a lot of time working out how to connect with people and how to not be too connected with people. It’s really all or nothing with me ! Either you are never getting past my firewall or you are all the way in and I have no boundaries and we are one ! Its very bi polar and over the last few years I have been working on the origins of this personal phenomenon.

At my sons birthday a couple of years ago I told my mum about the work I’d been doing on this particular piece of my personal healing story , my Aunty gruffly Pooh poohed me and told me that I was weird , but I soldiered on and told my mum the whole journey. When I’d finished she was crying happy tears and said ‘ I always knew you would be the one to start to heal all this stuff!’ Love you Mum! You always support me even though your trained ‘ do as you are told’ Mind wants to Judge me like my Aunty does. But me and mum are connected by Love , Love we have built over 46 years of confusion separation judgement and conditionings .

So the journey I told my mum about was this:

I had been at a midwife conference and was feeling very alienated and alone , like the weirdo , with no one to talk to or hang out with. I knew this was a triggered response because in reality I was truly loved by many at the midwife conference and I had many friends there . But here I was alone isolated and wobbly. I sat by a big window and allowed my mind to form a journey, I breathed deep , felt my roots delve deep into the ground and my branches reach high into the sky. I strengthened my Golden bubble around me and called my guides and ancestors to me . I set my intentions:

‘ I intend to journey to the middle realm into my own physical past , to meet with me as a baby and heal any traumas that occurred then. ‘ I breathed deep, visualised my tree, walked toward it and settled myself at its roots in my minds eye. I stated my intention one more time and allowed my mind self to melt into the trunk of the tree. I called my dragon Erin and Grandmother Spider to me and together we journeyed to my baby self in the incubator.

I stood watching baby me as she called for her mama who never came , I then understood my own self soothing , I’ll do it myself then , headspace because either I learned that then or I would have died from abandonment and grief! I then took a step towards the incubator and felt my breasts tingle! I Knew what I had to do! I picked baby me out of the box and I breastfeed! It was amazing, I could feel baby me feeding and learning that there was more Connection and more hope! After a while of feeding and singing and stroking, I put baby Lara back in her box , gave thanks and journeyed back to my body .

As I said my Mum cried when I told her , even though what I did and said was totally alien to my Mums trained way of thinking ,even though journey work is definitely ‘weird’ my Mums Eternal Soul heard some truth and blessed It with her tears of relief and Love .

Since then I feel a greater connection to my loved ones and I am more able to have healthy boundaries and observe when I feel disconnected.

I know that we are all here on our very individual journeys, healing learning transforming and creating. Each time we open our minds to our traumas and allow ourselves to begin to heal we heal the traumas for all our relations.

This is not gonna be easy and it definitely is not gonna be comfortable but there is no growth in the comfort zone so right now when all the traumas of life are showing themselves right now is the best time to take a step and begin to heal! For me the healing path involves journey work , yoga, bubbles, writing, FireSpinning and energetic therapy sessions . I invite everyone to find out what heals You and to get involved!!!! And as we heal our insides gradually our outsides will heal too! And then whatever happens we will be able to face it ! Fully real and fully now! blessed be! Xxxlovelaraxxx

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