Feeling the fear… love, anger and joy!
I’ve lived a very exciting life so far! I’ve taken responsibility and walked my walk far and wide speaking my truth, standing firm and activating Peace and Love wherever I can. It’s definitely not always been easy and some of my experiences I would not wish on anyone! I have said more than once that I am glad that my life is happening to me because I know I can cope and I won’t have to deal with it happening to someone else!
For a long time, from at least my early twenties, that’s 26 years! I have always not ‘done’ fear. I decided that I would face everything with Love, and fear could just jog on! I have awesome disassociation skills and have always put the fear at the back of the line when dealing with life and its myriad of mentalnesses!
Yep, I have always had a volatile temper and I have been the one to shout and throw stuff! Yes, I have bullies in my head telling me I’m shit when I make mistakes or I can’t cope with normal everyday stuff like reading numbers, knowing the date/time knowing my left from my right. Fortunately, I live in the West and it’s 2018! So this means I have enough privilege to find my skills and balance out my disabilities, I’m lucky enough that someone decided that numerexia, dyspraxia and ADHD, are all just different ways to process information and I am lucky enough to be able to read and gradually process the fact that I’m not stupid and useless – I’m actually just a person whose brain works in its own special way, just like everyone else!
So some of my skills that help me to be a brilliant Birth, Life and Death assistant are my abilities to feel my feelings but also put them aside so I can support whoever needs support for Birth, Life and Death.
This is the thing that I could not do for 2 years after the death and birth of my son Angel-Benjammin Love. I could not put down my grief , I felt broken and lost , could no longer serve and could not feel anything except grief and confusion.
People phoned me to ask me to support births but I couldn’t. After two years two close friends called me to support them and I tentatively said yes. Both births happened naturally and healthily before I arrived and I was actually glad to not have been in the birth-space, still not sure of how I would react! I did aftercare, cooking, cleaning and childcare and felt a bit more like my real self .
The next two years I supported women over the phone who had had stillbirths and also women who were about to have stillbirths. This was sad and challenging. however, the women all seemed empowered and healed by the fact that I was alive and that even though I had been through a mother’s nightmare I was still able to function and be with them. It gave them hope and I was glad to serve them in their dark times.
I was then asked to support 2 births of women who I did not know very well. I did support them and each Birth ended with a live child and mother, however both births were instrumental and surgical and were very traumatic for all involved, me included! I had to call in help from my tribe who reminded me that I cannot make anyone do anything I can only provide access to information and support the birth story as it unfolds. The babies are two years old now and the families are happy and growing strong. As am I, as I walk this path of self-healing!
In my last blog, I let people know that I am beginning a course of therapy for Complex Post Traumatic Stress. Even though I’m not starting the deep stuff until January when I will be safely housed on my new boat, which is being built at the moment. I am still going to weekly sessions and learning some first aid to help with the feelings that I have not ever really felt before.
A month ago, a friend who I have known since she was 7 asked me to be with her as she birthed. She was estranged from her mother and had moved to a new town so had minimal support. I went and visited her and her partner and they seemed young, healthy, strong and capable. They planned to birth in hospital and I would come to offer support during early labour and after when they returned from hospital. All was clear and I felt confident I could support these young members of my heart family tribe.
I came to visit delivering extra food blankets and towels , making sure all was in place for the birth . They were given a due date of 5th Nov and so by 1st Nov all was ready. We planned to meet up on the 3rd Nov at 9 am to go to a car boot sale and get some wishes like a rocking chair and some nice plants! At 6.30 am I got a call saying Lea was in labour and could I come over. I was given a lift by my Syzygy Jim.
Sitting in the van, I felt something. I realised that it was fear! I’m still not used to feeling fear so for a bit I was confused. I then worked out what was going on and I tapped myself and gave myself rescue remedy until the fear subsided. I know that it’s my job to emote love and create oxytocin’ in the birth-space so I was now concentrated on the ability to put my fear aside so I could whomp up enough oxytocin to support the family before they went to hospital.
When I got there, I took a moment at the door to breathe deep and place all that was my stuff at the door. I also asked the Goddess/God to be with me and work through me to support this family however they needed me too. I opened the door to the baby being born into its father’s hands!!!! I heard the baby cry and saw the placenta be born into a big cuddle of love. I made hot choc and gave out rescue remedy and contacted the local midwives to come and check the awesome new family.
It was a beautiful amazing experience and I learned that even though now I’m actually feeling my fear I can still put it aside to support and serve birthing families.which is my calling and choice!
I was questioned angrily and deeply by one of my friends who is healing from deep trauma and was told how lucky we all were that everything had gone well. I sat with the thoughts and feelings for a long time and then cleared a statement through my chakras which was “All the times and all the ways that I have been persecuted for supporting self-responsibility “.
I know first hand that some births do not end with a live baby or mother. I still stand firm that each family deserves their right to be supported in love not directed by fear, so I will always stand and support self-responsibility and praise it. Regardless of the outcome.
This week with my therapist she showed me a new emotion technique, which balances emotions.
I decide which emotion to feel and check with muscle testing what is relevant. I chose anger which is balanced by joy and fear which is balanced by Love. I began by sitting in a pose that symbolised my anger. Fists up, shoulders tense, jaw set, eyes flaming. I sat and felt the anger within me with no trigger point, no Story to connect it to, I searched in me for all the anger and I felt it’s burning flame in me able to do anything! When I could find no more I put my hands in my lap and let them rest palm upwards. Then Sandra directed me to feel joy, the feeling of the new family welled up inside me and I felt the golden joy flow from me and surround me. It was a brilliant thing to just feel.
Next, we did fear! I put up my knees and wrapped my arms around them and squeezed my eyes shut and went for it ….urghhhh! A massive cold terror gripped me, my heart almost stopped and I felt numb and freezing at the same time! Tears poured down my face and I was useless spineless and broken. A black tightness in my base gradually rose up through my chakras gripping each one with cold mean harsh tension right up to my head which felt like it was being crushed! I kept searching and finally I could feel no more so Sandra directed me to put my hands on my lap and to now open out to Love. I tentatively opened my heart and suddenly all cold was gone and a red-gold glow was shining in my heart space warming my whole body, my cheeks felt flushed and I could feel the warmth of love in my Base gradually rising up through my chakras ending at my head which now was filled with warmth and a radiance that felt calm and comfortable.
I was totally surprised at how horrible fear actually feels and I was interested to see that I felt I was going to die if I even tried to fight! I was also interested at how easy it was to move into love and joy after feeling anger and fear. I’m going to practice this weekly because I feel that I need some more practice at actually feeling feelings with no reactionary story behind them. I’m fully up for feeling fear until I know it as intimately as Love because then I will be very able to spot myself when I am panicking and I will be able to make it clear to others what is going on for me.
I reckon panic attacks and triggers are the first steps on a monumental healing journey that we are all on.
Each experience gives us more information and insight into our own physical mental stories and needs. We are learning new skills and our pasts have led us to this point where we can begin to actually heal! This is a challenge and it will not be easy but I reckon Now is the time and it’s way more fun than being bored!!!! Big love to all you Warrior clan of Love! Let’s make a new world!!!!! Let’s heal!!!!! Xxxlovelaraxxx