Crying is good!

Written by FairyDoula. Posted in Lara's blog

Tears are good. Crying is what I have mostly been doing this week ! Crying and letting my head get really tangled up with layers of thoughts that attack me and all I am . A clever person would have used the things I have learned so far from my therapist Sandra , I would have tapped , breathed , held my chakras , spoke my mantras , practiced some yoga , written something. But no, I just curled up in a mental ball and hid from anything that could have helped . I’m still alive ! Yay! However something has died in me and now I feel sad and weak.The Sargent Major is still here and now it seems she is louder than ever , I’ve removed some numbness and shock and now here she is ready to berate me ! I do my best to not respond but I don’t manage it and if I try to just let it be she turns into a wholesale attack of me and all I am . This harsh critic feels very alien to me and very deeply held . She is wishes to tell me that I have always been bad lazy and useless and that is why I never succeed at anything and that is why I will never be happy or safe in my own home . I listen to her but am very aware of the words always and never , because in my life experiences I know that sometimes I have been good and helpful and sometimes I have been happy and safe , so her rant at me begins to seem not as reality based as she would have me believe. How to free myself from the harsh critic? Firstly know that this is a piece of me that feels scared and is trying in its own weird way to protect me ! Hard to stomach , complicated to process But not actually as right and unquestionable as she first presents . I breathe deep and I thank her for her opinions and I thank her for being here to keep me safe . I then breathe deeply a bit more , let my eyes rest on some nature and just breathe in the beauty of the sky and the earth , possibly a blade of grass . For most days this week I have only managed half of this action then I have just fallen into doing my weekly jobs with half of my head ranting at me whilst my disassociated other half has cleaned people’s houses and sorted their boats to tidy . Thankfully these jobs can be done in a disassociated state and if I don’t say then no one notices. Being a being being is like a scene from the matrix film . When me and my Now collides with the social constructs around me I am glad that I have at least learned to not say everything to everyone. I sit observing and listening ,doing my best to not judge or negatively react . My conglomerate of opinions and views mix with the scenes before me and I can only draw on my sense of humour to save me from deep confusion and despair. This seems like the best course of action because to really take any of this material reality seriously would be too silly, when so much is so ridiculous! I get that I’ve had some traumatic experiences and that I was in delayed shock about them . The trauma gets triggered and then I am in a negative thought spiral until I notice and allow tenderness and kindness to touch me again. Thankfully I’m in a therapy process at the moment so I am able to take these triggers and observations to Sandra and we can kinesiology test my muscles to get to the root of these negative thought patterns . This week the testing showed up that my Sargent major Lara assassin is based in my old deep wounding from my childhood. As soon as we got this answer I started to cry, so frustrated that it has been 40 years since the Traumatic events but they still are haunting my brain and my life .. we started the ‘Ask and receive ‘ process which sounds and looks like this : ORIGINAL STATEMENT OF WHAT YOU DESIRE: “My body knows how to ______” (insert a positive affirmation or what you want to heal and release.) Then insert your desired statement in the blank below in Step 1 of the Ask and Receive Steps. Follow with the A&R Steps 2-5. ASK & RECEIVE STEPS: 1. “There is a part of my being that already knows how to __________.” 2. “That part of my being is willing to inform the rest of me now.” 3. “It is doing so now with grace and ease.” 4. “ This trauma , all its roots and all its connections are now being released. My mind, body, and spirit are receiving this information.” 5. “Information transfer is now complete.” Go thru the whole process then sit , breathing deeply at the end of step 5 , observing what thoughts and feelings come up. Then add the new thought that has come up to the original statement . Repeat the process 5 times and see where you are . I then allowed some celebration that some old held stuff was finally released and I cemented my new free mind with a positive statement that I breathed into my chakras from Base to Crown Mine was “ I am resplendent in my magnifitude” which I am today very able to believe yay! Please try the process and see how you get on! I would love to hear from you about your experiences! We can do this! Xxxlovelaraxxx

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