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Crying is good!

April 2nd, 2019 by FairyDoula

Tears are good. Crying is what I have mostly been doing this week ! Crying and letting my head get really tangled up with layers of thoughts that attack me and all I am . A clever person would have used the things I have learned so far from my therapist Sandra , I would have tapped , breathed , held my chakras , spoke my mantras , practiced some yoga , written something. But no, I just curled up in a mental ball and hid from anything that could have helped . I’m still alive ! Yay! However something has died in me and now I feel sad and weak.The Sargent Major is still here and now it seems she is louder than ever , I’ve removed some numbness and shock and now here she is ready to berate me ! I do my best to not respond but I don’t manage it and if I try to just let it be she turns into a wholesale attack of me and all I am . This harsh critic feels very alien to me and very deeply held . She is wishes to tell me that I have always been bad lazy and useless and that is why I never succeed at anything and that is why I will never be happy or safe in my own home . I listen to her but am very aware of the words always and never , because in my life experiences I know that sometimes I have been good and helpful and sometimes I have been happy and safe , so her rant at me begins to seem not as reality based as she would have me believe. How to free myself from the harsh critic? Firstly know that this is a piece of me that feels scared and is trying in its own weird way to protect me ! Hard to stomach , complicated to process But not actually as right and unquestionable as she first presents . I breathe deep and I thank her for her opinions and I thank her for being here to keep me safe . I then breathe deeply a bit more , let my eyes rest on some nature and just breathe in the beauty of the sky and the earth , possibly a blade of grass . For most days this week I have only managed half of this action then I have just fallen into doing my weekly jobs with half of my head ranting at me whilst my disassociated other half has cleaned people’s houses and sorted their boats to tidy . Thankfully these jobs can be done in a disassociated state and if I don’t say then no one notices. Being a being being is like a scene from the matrix film . When me and my Now collides with the social constructs around me I am glad that I have at least learned to not say everything to everyone. I sit observing and listening ,doing my best to not judge or negatively react . My conglomerate of opinions and views mix with the scenes before me and I can only draw on my sense of humour to save me from deep confusion and despair. This seems like the best course of action because to really take any of this material reality seriously would be too silly, when so much is so ridiculous! I get that I’ve had some traumatic experiences and that I was in delayed shock about them . The trauma gets triggered and then I am in a negative thought spiral until I notice and allow tenderness and kindness to touch me again. Thankfully I’m in a therapy process at the moment so I am able to take these triggers and observations to Sandra and we can kinesiology test my muscles to get to the root of these negative thought patterns . This week the testing showed up that my Sargent major Lara assassin is based in my old deep wounding from my childhood. As soon as we got this answer I started to cry, so frustrated that it has been 40 years since the Traumatic events but they still are haunting my brain and my life .. we started the ‘Ask and receive ‘ process which sounds and looks like this : ORIGINAL STATEMENT OF WHAT YOU DESIRE: “My body knows how to ______” (insert a positive affirmation or what you want to heal and release.) Then insert your desired statement in the blank below in Step 1 of the Ask and Receive Steps. Follow with the A&R Steps 2-5. ASK & RECEIVE STEPS: 1. “There is a part of my being that already knows how to __________.” 2. “That part of my being is willing to inform the rest of me now.” 3. “It is doing so now with grace and ease.” 4. “ This trauma , all its roots and all its connections are now being released. My mind, body, and spirit are receiving this information.” 5. “Information transfer is now complete.” Go thru the whole process then sit , breathing deeply at the end of step 5 , observing what thoughts and feelings come up. Then add the new thought that has come up to the original statement . Repeat the process 5 times and see where you are . I then allowed some celebration that some old held stuff was finally released and I cemented my new free mind with a positive statement that I breathed into my chakras from Base to Crown Mine was “ I am resplendent in my magnifitude” which I am today very able to believe yay! Please try the process and see how you get on! I would love to hear from you about your experiences! We can do this! Xxxlovelaraxxx

Posted in Lara's blog

Arghhhhh!

March 9th, 2019 by FairyDoula

It’s Angel Benjammins death day on Tuesday and birthday on Wednesday not sure brain can do the website thing this week so here’s the writing anyway ! Arghhhhhhh! Any extra love fully appreciated! Xxxlovelaraxxx

Emotion Perception Trauma Connection. This week I have not been the best version of myself, or have I ? This week I did not ‘Hold it down ‘ This week I ‘Lost it.’ What do I do when this happens ? I shout , I yell , I fight to be heard . I basically do everything possible to make sure what I really want to say has no chance of getting heard above shouting me. My nerves are raw and most of my mind body and soul seems to be screaming getoutgetoutgetout! How I feel is how I feel , what I perceive is what I perceive. Or is it? Therapy so far has made me aware of trauma based reactions in my thinking processes . It’s possible that what I think I’m seeing and feeling is not my actual reality but something my trauma has overlayed on what’s actually happening. Still with me ? The thought and possibly of this reality stretches my brain so it feels a bit like silly putty. It’s not comfortable and stable. It’s moving and moulding new structures , it’s questioning what I’ve always known to be true . Is it possible that I am loved and supported and that I can trust that I will always get what I need in the perfect time in the perfect way. Is it possible that the experiences of the past that have lead me to believe that life is not trustworthy and that I am to be abandoned because of my badness ,could be released from my Mind Body and Soul. The arguments and violence negativity and separation all feel so familiar. Even if the feelings aren’t pleasant at least they are familiar. And this is what I am working on releasing ! Releasing the long held beliefs of my badness and wrongness, my craziness my madness. Taking a step back when shouting happens in me or someone else . Stopping and breathing, walking away and allowing tensions to relax , peace to settle, before any other communications commence. Really noticing how I feel and taking the time to be kind to myself when I freak out . Trusting the people I have around me are willing and able to hold me safe while I reconnect my Mind Body and Soul , clearing out the out moded programs and stories , making space so I can reveal myself to myself and create my reality for me . I’m not the easiest person to live with and love at the moment. My oldest friends tell me that I never have been and they love all of me no matter what , so I keep this truth at the core of me and no matter how ‘High Maintainence ‘ I am presenting as I trust and believe that ( I tap my sternum whilst I say this )

“Even tho , I still lose my temper and react in ways that I do not feel at peace with, I still , truely and deeply , Love Honour , Cherish and Respect Myself. All parts of myself, including my totally justified anger and rage . And I ask for help in healing , And I give thanks that it is happening. “

And when it’s still hard and I’m crying and confused I hold my head back and front and I say ,

“There is. A part of me , that knows how to release all this Anger and Rage . All it’s , roots and all it’s connections to my soul in all lives and times. This part of me it informing the rest of me now , and it’s doing it with ease and grace . Information download complete!”

The work in progress , my conscious mind , the clearing out of the trauma barriers and blockages between it’s connection to my Body and Soul Is heavy hard going work with moments of majesty and whole eternities of hellish terror. It’s all in my mind . And now I see it , up front , no frills , bare raw pain trauma and terror , dampened down for a lifetime to fit into an idea of what I am. I see it and with a courageous heart I step into the little known. I peel back the layers of my onion to find that core of Peace Love and Joy inside me and together we celebrate as we sort out the rubbish , ready to compost what I don’t need anymore to feed the small saplings of my newly found self . Xxxlovelaraxxx

Posted in Lara's blog

Rust Conversion

March 2nd, 2019 by FairyDoula

Rust conversion

I’m manifesting a floating home out of others castoffs and generosity. It’s not easy ! Especially whilst going deep into my self with 6 months energetic therapy ! Last week someone whose known me awhile told me that if all the good I’d already done in the world came back to me all at once this is what it would look like . So great to have someone’s outside eye on my being, because from inside my head ,me doing good has always been me doing stuff so I won’t be abandoned, so people will accept me , so I will be allowed to exist even though I am so so so so so bad , wrong and terrible! Hang on ! My extra bit of brain calls to me . Look around you again, see the help that you are receiving, see the support around you . This is the support that someone needs if they are going to drag themselves up out of the depths of grief and trauma. I have been cleaning the front deck , entrance to the Love Boat , this morning. There is dust and sawdust , flakes of paint , mud and rust. I know I have to sweep and clean it all back then chip off any flakes of rust and sand it off. Then I can paint on the rust converter which will stop the rust going in deeper by literally changing the oxidising of the metal into rust ! It’s brilliant stuff ! And as I chip away at the old bits of rust and mud and moss I realise that the process of my therapy is very much the same . I’ve been covering up my rusty bits and ignoring them for as long as I can remember. I believed that these bits were in me because I was inherently bad and I deserved the pain and terror I have felt , just living a ‘normal ‘ life . I believed it was all my fault and that I was damaged, disordered and broken . Bless Angel Benjammin for showing me that life is more than just damping down and fronting up! Thanks be to him and all my awesome family and friends who held me fast to this life and refused to let me go . They knew I was supposed to be here , they could see me underneath the rust and the dirt of my life experiences. They shouted loud enough so even me, so disassociated and half in the land of the dead with my baby , could still hear them . They all , and their Love were the dustpan and brush that swept the wreckage of my fake life away. Their love and support helped me to see that many of my brains processes were damaged and some totally broken . Together with MEET , Sandra and my awesome Angel gang, Angel Benjammin, Billie Rose , Nanna Ivy , Granny Ethel and Ben I have been chipping away at the gathering moss and rust , I have been wiping clean the surroundings and creating a clean smooth surface for converting the last remaining bits of rust . Interestingly when I’ve painted the rust converter on not all the surfaces are smooth anymore. The straight edges of the angle iron are a bit wobbly now . There are pits and patterns in the metal , forming shapes and patterns. But now the rust is no longer penetrating deeper . It has stopped and is now a memory as I look at the patterns that it’s process has left . It’s obvious that there has been rust , and even as I paint onto the pitted now blue metal l know that if I ignore any rust bits they will finally eat through the hull and sink me ! So this is me cleaning, sweeping, washing , converting and painting. Being relentless with my attention to bringing out any old dirt and moss , knowing that a thorough job now will give me a really firm foundation to build on and a deep physical energetic knowledge that where I am is firm and clear and real . It’s obvious to me, we in this paradigm of the last 2000 years have suffered trauma and been eaten away . Now we have the opportunity to clean back all that we have ignored and covered up . Now, we have the chance to glorify in the patterns we have gathered. To shine them up , paint them brightly and be proud of our process! Xxxlovelaraxxx

Posted in Lara's blog

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