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Accepting, releasing, releasing accepting.

December 5th, 2018 by FairyDoula

Release and Acceptance, acceptance and release. This could be the simple process of breathing, this could be a pelvic floor exercise, this could be a couple making love , this could be magic . Breathing in and gracefully accepting the breath in to my body , letting it fill my belly my womb and my cunt . Pausing and feeling what feeling filled feels like , then releasing all that has filled me , letting it all go , smoothly and gently with a sigh a moan a laugh a burp .or a cry . Then pausing and feeling what feeling empty feels like , then once again allowing the breath to enter my body , filling me up to overflow, expanding my chest my belly my womb my cunt . Then again releasing until all of me feels flat and empty . I practice breathing in the morning, it’s one of the ways I have found to help with the terrors I have when I wake up . All is warm and cosy I’m safe and asleep , hold on , somethings happening, my baby is dead , I’m being evicted from my flat on Dec 21st , the boat I have still needs insulation, steel, windows, batteries , electricity and plumbing! People have not paid me for my work so now the council tax bill and the tax and electric bill are putting me scarily near my overdraft limit….. it’s all coming thick and fast now , heart beating fast , Body almost numb, scared to move , holding my breath…::: wait … remember to breathe ! Breathe in and breathe out , concentrate on the acceptance and the release, watch my belly fill, feel my chest move up and down. Allow my mind to be filled only with breathing in and breathing out . This practice sometimes gets me out of my foetal ball of terrified sobbing, sometimes it doesn’t and I just cry till it stops or until I have to go to work. I am proficient at getting up and doing it anyway , as are my mother , grandmother, great grandmother, great great grandmother great great great grandmother etc …and my father , my grand father , my great grandfather, my great great grandfather my great great great grandfather. For generations we have numbed our fears traumas and terrors and got up and done what needs to be done to pay the rent , pay the bills , pay the taxes and provide for the children. My disassociation skills are hardcore. Mixed with my performance training and my formidable will power I can mostly physically power on thru whatever trauma is terrifying my brain on whatever day . My question is why should we always have to? Why is taking a break to heal so hard to accept , why should we only always be happy and accepting of demands on us but oh so very judgemental and disapproving of accepting our own needs ? I am aware that in the last 10 years society as a whole has moved slightly closer to accepting that we as a planet and a race of people need to do some healing of past abuses and also do some breaking of old habits that are destroying us . How to start when the whole system depends on the workers ability just get up and get on? Where is the space for the poorest and the weakest of us to release , accept and heal? In Mumbai the rule makers decided to burn their rubbish dump because it was so huge ! The smoke could be seen from space , people lived and worked there , and when I asked my Indian Doctor friend about these people she told me that that was their life , acceptance. I know that all of the people in the west are privileged, even if we seem poor in relation to lord so and so and Duke whatshisname . We are privileged because for the first time in 7 generations we have the opportunities to open our hearts , release our traumas, held for generations and to heal. This is no small task! We have been conceived, grown, birthed, fed and educated in a system based in fear , we are told what to do, to feel , to wear, to think . But at all times we are reminded that doing anything else would be so hard , so dangerous so difficult that it must be easier to stay in the system, one of the cogs turning the big machine to make money for the man . Well here I am ! This is me ! Like the song says “ I am brave I am bruised this is who I’m meant to be ….” So I breathe , I write , I ask for help and I steel myself to be able to accept without guilt crushing me to pieces . And with every breath I learn that I am worthy , my feelings are important and to grieve and to heal my heart and soul is the reason I am here , the reason we all are here . To feel , to be , to experience. Here’s an excerpt from my new book ‘ The Story ‘ it’s set in the past and the future, this part is About Sophie the girl In 2118ad who has escaped from ‘The One True God Industry’ and is now healing in a place called ‘ The Sanctuary ‘ with the help of the Angel Jo-anne . …..Sophie sat under the tree and watched as the ‘Rainbow Women’ lounged sang and chatted . They seemed so connected with each other , so available to each other , but also individuals in their own right. She was learning about Rights, Boundaries, Giving and Receiving from Jo-anne , the beautiful Angel. ” Not that I am the most learned in this , truth be told I am more practiced in acquiescence than I am at stating and holding clear Boundaries. However Marrietta always says that to learn something fully I must teach it , so here goes!” Sophie looked at the tray of food set before her, her hunger was now no longer a gnawing pain and her ability to digest food was growing with every day. She looked worriedly at the food and at the women and stood with the intention of serving . ” What are you doing ? ” a gentle voice asked . ” I thought that it would be nice to serve you, seeing as you have been so lovely to me . ” Sophie replied . Jo-Anne’s warm strong hands gripped Sophie by the shoulders and gazed steadily and gently into her eyes. ” You are here on free land, at the Sanctuary, in the Centre of Healing. You are safe , you are connected to the ground and this group . You are safe to eat here.” Sophie was confused and felt strange. “I just wanted to do something nice for you,” she stammered, now more confused. Jo-Anne held Sophie strongly and slowly stroked her hair until she began to breathe more slowly. ” What you were feeling in response to feeling relaxed and happy was the trained in feeling that you must give and serve.” Sophie shook her head. “No! I really wanted to do something for you- that’s all!” She was crying with confusion now, her body shaking , small terrified sobs escaping from her mouth, tears beginning to roll down her face. ” Now what are you feeling?” Jo-Anne asked. Sophie gulped back tears and tried to talk. ” My hearts beating fast, my stomach is all knotted tight, I feel scared ,like something bad is going to happen- and it’s my fault . ” This is why I didn’t let you serve the food, sweet one.” Sophie looked confused. Jo-Anne gave her a hot steaming honey sweetened cup of herbal tea and placed a blanket on her shoulders. ” Right now you are feeling panic which could lead to shock. So we need to keep you warm and feed you sweet tea to relax your insides. Your mind also needs warmth and sweetness lovely one. You are learning to feel your emotions. Because you have been abused and trained in trauma the first reactions you feel towards a situation are not actually your own . They are reactions built into your psyche by repetitive, abusive actions designed to hardwire a trauma response into your Mindscape .” Sophie looked even more. Confused. Jo -Anne smiled warmly. ” We are born to manifest the glory of the Multiverse that is within us . It is not just in some of us , it is in everyone.” She took Sophies hand and held it gently , a warm glow suffusing from her into the gently shaking child/woman. ” When you feel happy and relaxed the industry training short circuits your natural response to this. They beat you, burnt you electrocuted and broke you so you would come to a place in your mind where only their needs and their happiness have dominion in your brain. To assist you to sit, relax and accept food, love and support without doing anything but being and feeling is the point of this excercise. You are safe , you are at the ground of the Sanctuary. You can trust us and yourself more. You can fear less, you are safe . Feel your roots connecting with the ground. Feel Mother Earths energy flowing into you and filling your Base red energy centre. Sophie concentrated and began to see flashes of red and feel a dull ache at the base of her pubic bone – a place where she had not felt at all for a good while….. I offer these words as a beginning, as an inspiration to question our oldest learned responses. I send them out as a Challenge to us all. Dare we question what we have always known? could we heal the traumas of abuses so long past they are now just ‘ how we do things’? Is it possible that we could heal ourselves then begin to heal the World that we will pass on to Our children? Go On ! I dare you!!Xxxlovelaraxxx

Posted in Lara's blog

WE ARE OUR ANCESTORS’ WILDEST DREAMS!

November 29th, 2018 by FairyDoula

I am my ancestors’ wildest dream

Therapy is not for the faint of heart! Therapy is the place where the individual warrior of a Family line faces all the traumas that her Ancestors suffered in silence and brings them into the light to be seen, heard, felt, forgiven and released.

As I delve deeper into the process of healing complex trauma I am beginning to accept that I have been existing in a state of high adrenaline alert in some parts of my disassociated self for a long time. It becomes obvious that my high metabolism is due to the anxiety high level of processing I have been doing all the time, without even knowing it!

It took the very beautiful and traumatic stillbirth of my Angel Benjammin Love on March 13th 2014, to make me consciously aware of how hard-shelled I had become about my own deep feelings and anyone’s ability to help me, as I was obviously terrible, horrible, bad and wrong. Or, so my inner sergeant major would tell me.

I have walked bravely into adventures of birth, death, sex, violence, chocolate, Love, Earth, Air, Fire, Water and Spirit, my whole 46 year life. I’ve always felt terrified but I’ve always been able to disassociate myself from the terror and just do whatever needs to be done to make the biggest Love and Joy possible.

Until,

just

couldn’t.

I started going physically numb, brain racing , hands shaking , experiencing some not quite physical ,mental memory. Small things were huge, people talking but only making strange noises to my ears, again and again, thoughts bashing my self in about badness, wrongness, guilty, sinful, wickedness. I was terrified and now I was feeling it.

Over time and with my sturdy guide and therapist Sandra, I have begun to release the energetic charge of many lifetimes of experiences and traumas.

When I started voicing my Sergeant Major I realised that some of the words were too old for this life. I journeyed to my ancestors and asked them if I was carrying trauma from my family line and my Grandmothers told me yes. Not wanting to get stuck in wallowing in misfortune and historical oppression of Women by Men we can pretty much get that a Lara born 300 years ago( about 7 generations back) would be having a pretty hard time, what with the Christians, the rapings, the torture and the burnings.

I don’t need to still carry the charge of these experiences in my genetically-descended body. This time around, I’ve made it far enough to start to process the trauma, stored up from many generations, ever since the Women were stopped from bleeding and releasing together in a sacred circle.

When I practice Chakra clearing on, all of the times and ways I have been used and abused, the visions around my Solar Plexus Chakra come thick and fast.

I’m an old woman; lost, alone, cold, hungry – in pain; physical and mental, knowing I am going to die and knowing that the powers that were making it so were so so so wrong.

I felt her, I smelt her, I was her and I released her, and she was gone and at peace.

Waking each day in a state of terror and then activating the self-love of drinking warm cider vinegar for my digestion and doing salute to the sun and yoni yoga for my body , then some tapping and affirmations to calm my mind , and eating fruit and chocolate-filled porridge for my energy and nervous system – it’s a process of self-love that I still feel unworthy of most days . But I know it’s trauma talking when my brain says ‘why are you doing this stupid hippie stuff? ‘ because by the time I’ve finished my routine the voice and terror are gone and I feel nourished, calm connected and Loved ( and I don’t mind so much that I had to get up an hour earlier to fit it all in before working!)

I imagine a life-time where I was taught self-love and self-care at school, at home, as part of my daily life, as normal stuff that everyone knows and practices. I imagine how we would all treat ourselves, each other and the awesome planet that we live on, if care for the amazing beings we are was our first thought each day.

We are descendants of stolen, raped women and invading men; we are the descendants of slaves, serfs, villains, servants, labourers and soldiers; we have been starved, beaten and trained to do as we are told without question for at least the last 500 years – maybe even 1000!

We are all waking up; our children are showing us that simply obeying is no longer possible! The special educational needs of children in the 20 years since state schools stopped caning and hitting children to obey and be quiet, are now off the scale!

Our children are showing and inspiring us with the new language they have generated with their behaviour. The oppositional defiance, the attention deficit, the dyslexic, dyspraxic, the Asbergers( did you know asberger diem in Latin means divinity? ) the Autism ….. there are more , I don’t know them all , there will be more as the older generations attempt to put labels on the higher evolved version of humanity that they are still trying to educate into an outdated system that only serves a select few.

We are evolving and every action of self-care and self-love that questions the authority that calls us consumers is a step towards a new brighter future for the next 7 generations. This work is confusing and tiring, accepting that some things we have always known to be true may be wrong, or just simply no longer appropriate is hard and scary for some – and it’s exhausting! Some of us will give up and just turn on the telly and open another beer to go with our Big Mac, some of us will keep on, tiny action by tiny action, new thought by new thought, grains of sand gradually growing to a huge beach.

For all of us, wherever we are in our evolution I offer the blue diamond meditation.

Blue diamond meditation

Sit or lie down and close eyes, breathe deeply 3-5 times, accepting the breath in through the nose and releasing the breath through the mouth.

Focus your intention on the place that your little finger touches when you place your hand flat sideways on your chest, top finger in the dip between your collarbone.

That little finger place is a good place to tap to focus your energy. Some people call it your Thymus ( I might have spelled it wrong!)

So now imagine a blue diamond in that place. I imagine a twelve-sided shape; a dodecadron, with lines going from the centre ( I like drawing them! It’s two six pointed stars or 4 triangles on top of each other!) then I let the lines go down into a point at the bottom and then it glows light blueish .

Once you’ve imagined and seen your blue diamond, with a breath send one up above your head into the sky, and one below your feet into the Earth.

Keep breathing deeply and letting the diamond glow!!

Now set the Earth diamond below your feet spinning in an anti clockwise direction, allow this action to open the floodgates for all that no longer serves you to be released into the earth to be composted, and recycled to create positive energy in the Multiverse.

Now, set the blue diamond above your head spinning clockwise and allow this action to open up the Connection in your crown chakra to allow the positive energy of the Multiverse to flow into you replenishing you and healing you, giving you energy, strength love and the ability to laugh!

Breathe deep and allow the process of releasing and acceptance to flow through the Blue diamonds and your spiritual physical body.

When you feel full and cleansed, now with a breath expand a blue diamond from your thymus best place so that the blue diamond is now all around you like a superhero special diamond multi faceted shield and extra sensitive skin!

Now allow your consciousness to allow the possibility of all the beings on Earth all having their own blue diamond and all of them connected across the planet , connecting , loving , energising, creating.

Breathe deep and allow yourself to feel how this connection really feels. Let yourself smile, breathe deep, give thanks to all that is, which includes yourself. Wiggle your fingers nose ears and toes and open your eyes.

If you can write or speak about how you feel straight away the experience will solidify into your experience more solidly and the meditation will come easier next time. I suggest trying it twice a week and seeing what the effects are.

I would love to hear from you about your experiences!!!

I can only speak about my own experiences because that is what I know to be true for me. I don’t think I have answers for everything, I do hope that my experiences can be an inspiration for others stepping forward into their own healing journey, and I would love to hear fyou!ou ! This is an exciting time and we are all part of humanity’s evolution! So let’s get on it !!!!

WE ARE OUR ANCESTORS WILDEST DREAMS Xxxlovelaraxxx

Posted in Lara's blog

Me and CPTSD!

November 21st, 2018 by FairyDoula

Me & CPTSD!

So here I am! Fresh out of this weeks therepy session with a book to read too!!! Pete Walkers ‘ From surviving to thriving,’ It’s quite shocking to finally start to accept that the monsters in my mind could actually be symptoms of unprocessed trauma! It’s very hard to accept that my ‘perfect’ childhood created the traumas that I am now actively healing ! I love my Mum and Dad and I love the happy memories of my childhood and wish to forever keep them shiny gold in my mind to see and cuddle whenever times are hard ! I love you Mum and Dad and THANKYOU for all the love and support you have given me my whole life !!!!

Right, that’s the truth from one aspect of my mind , now here it is from another direction. I grew up In a small town with working parents who both began work at 16 and worked every day and paid taxes until they were 70! They believed fully in the paradigm in which they lived and wanted nothing more than for their daughter to be normal! They had me!!!! Born bum first at least 2 months early and bright yellow! No time for any pain relief and no nurses present just Mum and Dad and little yellow me!!! Obviously very quickly I was whisked away to an incubator and fed on formula , it was 1973! My mum was a good girl and ‘just did as she was told’ even when they told her she was not allowed to breastfeed me cos I was too small and didn’t let my parents touch me for 2 months !

They used to stand at a window and wave at their little yellow baby !

I was in the glass box , not touched by anyone’s skin !

Only pricked by needles and fed by bottles!

I was alive ! And after too many miscarriages an alive baby was a cause for celebration , no one would ever question the way the doctors and nurses decided I should be treated, that’s just normal!!!!

Until 2 years ago I have spent my whole life feeling that there was a barrier between me and ‘normal people’ separate because of my oddness and not normal ness , hearing my families wishes that I could just be normal and having no idea why I wasn’t or how I could be so!

I spend a lot of time working out how to connect with people and how to not be too connected with people. It’s really all or nothing with me ! Either you are never getting past my firewall or you are all the way in and I have no boundaries and we are one ! Its very bi polar and over the last few years I have been working on the origins of this personal phenomenon.

At my sons birthday a couple of years ago I told my mum about the work I’d been doing on this particular piece of my personal healing story , my Aunty gruffly Pooh poohed me and told me that I was weird , but I soldiered on and told my mum the whole journey. When I’d finished she was crying happy tears and said ‘ I always knew you would be the one to start to heal all this stuff!’ Love you Mum! You always support me even though your trained ‘ do as you are told’ Mind wants to Judge me like my Aunty does. But me and mum are connected by Love , Love we have built over 46 years of confusion separation judgement and conditionings .

So the journey I told my mum about was this:

I had been at a midwife conference and was feeling very alienated and alone , like the weirdo , with no one to talk to or hang out with. I knew this was a triggered response because in reality I was truly loved by many at the midwife conference and I had many friends there . But here I was alone isolated and wobbly. I sat by a big window and allowed my mind to form a journey, I breathed deep , felt my roots delve deep into the ground and my branches reach high into the sky. I strengthened my Golden bubble around me and called my guides and ancestors to me . I set my intentions:

‘ I intend to journey to the middle realm into my own physical past , to meet with me as a baby and heal any traumas that occurred then. ‘ I breathed deep, visualised my tree, walked toward it and settled myself at its roots in my minds eye. I stated my intention one more time and allowed my mind self to melt into the trunk of the tree. I called my dragon Erin and Grandmother Spider to me and together we journeyed to my baby self in the incubator.

I stood watching baby me as she called for her mama who never came , I then understood my own self soothing , I’ll do it myself then , headspace because either I learned that then or I would have died from abandonment and grief! I then took a step towards the incubator and felt my breasts tingle! I Knew what I had to do! I picked baby me out of the box and I breastfeed! It was amazing, I could feel baby me feeding and learning that there was more Connection and more hope! After a while of feeding and singing and stroking, I put baby Lara back in her box , gave thanks and journeyed back to my body .

As I said my Mum cried when I told her , even though what I did and said was totally alien to my Mums trained way of thinking ,even though journey work is definitely ‘weird’ my Mums Eternal Soul heard some truth and blessed It with her tears of relief and Love .

Since then I feel a greater connection to my loved ones and I am more able to have healthy boundaries and observe when I feel disconnected.

I know that we are all here on our very individual journeys, healing learning transforming and creating. Each time we open our minds to our traumas and allow ourselves to begin to heal we heal the traumas for all our relations.

This is not gonna be easy and it definitely is not gonna be comfortable but there is no growth in the comfort zone so right now when all the traumas of life are showing themselves right now is the best time to take a step and begin to heal! For me the healing path involves journey work , yoga, bubbles, writing, FireSpinning and energetic therapy sessions . I invite everyone to find out what heals You and to get involved!!!! And as we heal our insides gradually our outsides will heal too! And then whatever happens we will be able to face it ! Fully real and fully now! blessed be! Xxxlovelaraxxx

Posted in Lara's blog

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