I am my ancestors’ wildest dream
Therapy is not for the faint of heart! Therapy is the place where the individual warrior of a Family line faces all the traumas that her Ancestors suffered in silence and brings them into the light to be seen, heard, felt, forgiven and released.
As I delve deeper into the process of healing complex trauma I am beginning to accept that I have been existing in a state of high adrenaline alert in some parts of my disassociated self for a long time. It becomes obvious that my high metabolism is due to the anxiety high level of processing I have been doing all the time, without even knowing it!
It took the very beautiful and traumatic stillbirth of my Angel Benjammin Love on March 13th 2014, to make me consciously aware of how hard-shelled I had become about my own deep feelings and anyone’s ability to help me, as I was obviously terrible, horrible, bad and wrong. Or, so my inner sergeant major would tell me.
I have walked bravely into adventures of birth, death, sex, violence, chocolate, Love, Earth, Air, Fire, Water and Spirit, my whole 46 year life. I’ve always felt terrified but I’ve always been able to disassociate myself from the terror and just do whatever needs to be done to make the biggest Love and Joy possible.
I started going physically numb, brain racing , hands shaking , experiencing some not quite physical ,mental memory. Small things were huge, people talking but only making strange noises to my ears, again and again, thoughts bashing my self in about badness, wrongness, guilty, sinful, wickedness. I was terrified and now I was feeling it.
Over time and with my sturdy guide and therapist Sandra, I have begun to release the energetic charge of many lifetimes of experiences and traumas.
When I started voicing my Sergeant Major I realised that some of the words were too old for this life. I journeyed to my ancestors and asked them if I was carrying trauma from my family line and my Grandmothers told me yes. Not wanting to get stuck in wallowing in misfortune and historical oppression of Women by Men we can pretty much get that a Lara born 300 years ago( about 7 generations back) would be having a pretty hard time, what with the Christians, the rapings, the torture and the burnings.
I don’t need to still carry the charge of these experiences in my genetically-descended body. This time around, I’ve made it far enough to start to process the trauma, stored up from many generations, ever since the Women were stopped from bleeding and releasing together in a sacred circle.
When I practice Chakra clearing on, all of the times and ways I have been used and abused, the visions around my Solar Plexus Chakra come thick and fast.
I’m an old woman; lost, alone, cold, hungry – in pain; physical and mental, knowing I am going to die and knowing that the powers that were making it so were so so so wrong.
I felt her, I smelt her, I was her and I released her, and she was gone and at peace.
Waking each day in a state of terror and then activating the self-love of drinking warm cider vinegar for my digestion and doing salute to the sun and yoni yoga for my body , then some tapping and affirmations to calm my mind , and eating fruit and chocolate-filled porridge for my energy and nervous system – it’s a process of self-love that I still feel unworthy of most days . But I know it’s trauma talking when my brain says ‘why are you doing this stupid hippie stuff? ‘ because by the time I’ve finished my routine the voice and terror are gone and I feel nourished, calm connected and Loved ( and I don’t mind so much that I had to get up an hour earlier to fit it all in before working!)
I imagine a life-time where I was taught self-love and self-care at school, at home, as part of my daily life, as normal stuff that everyone knows and practices. I imagine how we would all treat ourselves, each other and the awesome planet that we live on, if care for the amazing beings we are was our first thought each day.
We are descendants of stolen, raped women and invading men; we are the descendants of slaves, serfs, villains, servants, labourers and soldiers; we have been starved, beaten and trained to do as we are told without question for at least the last 500 years – maybe even 1000!
We are all waking up; our children are showing us that simply obeying is no longer possible! The special educational needs of children in the 20 years since state schools stopped caning and hitting children to obey and be quiet, are now off the scale!
Our children are showing and inspiring us with the new language they have generated with their behaviour. The oppositional defiance, the attention deficit, the dyslexic, dyspraxic, the Asbergers( did you know asberger diem in Latin means divinity? ) the Autism ….. there are more , I don’t know them all , there will be more as the older generations attempt to put labels on the higher evolved version of humanity that they are still trying to educate into an outdated system that only serves a select few.
We are evolving and every action of self-care and self-love that questions the authority that calls us consumers is a step towards a new brighter future for the next 7 generations. This work is confusing and tiring, accepting that some things we have always known to be true may be wrong, or just simply no longer appropriate is hard and scary for some – and it’s exhausting! Some of us will give up and just turn on the telly and open another beer to go with our Big Mac, some of us will keep on, tiny action by tiny action, new thought by new thought, grains of sand gradually growing to a huge beach.
For all of us, wherever we are in our evolution I offer the blue diamond meditation.
Blue diamond meditation
Sit or lie down and close eyes, breathe deeply 3-5 times, accepting the breath in through the nose and releasing the breath through the mouth.
Focus your intention on the place that your little finger touches when you place your hand flat sideways on your chest, top finger in the dip between your collarbone.
That little finger place is a good place to tap to focus your energy. Some people call it your Thymus ( I might have spelled it wrong!)
So now imagine a blue diamond in that place. I imagine a twelve-sided shape; a dodecadron, with lines going from the centre ( I like drawing them! It’s two six pointed stars or 4 triangles on top of each other!) then I let the lines go down into a point at the bottom and then it glows light blueish .
Once you’ve imagined and seen your blue diamond, with a breath send one up above your head into the sky, and one below your feet into the Earth.
Keep breathing deeply and letting the diamond glow!!
Now set the Earth diamond below your feet spinning in an anti clockwise direction, allow this action to open the floodgates for all that no longer serves you to be released into the earth to be composted, and recycled to create positive energy in the Multiverse.
Now, set the blue diamond above your head spinning clockwise and allow this action to open up the Connection in your crown chakra to allow the positive energy of the Multiverse to flow into you replenishing you and healing you, giving you energy, strength love and the ability to laugh!
Breathe deep and allow the process of releasing and acceptance to flow through the Blue diamonds and your spiritual physical body.
When you feel full and cleansed, now with a breath expand a blue diamond from your thymus best place so that the blue diamond is now all around you like a superhero special diamond multi faceted shield and extra sensitive skin!
Now allow your consciousness to allow the possibility of all the beings on Earth all having their own blue diamond and all of them connected across the planet , connecting , loving , energising, creating.
Breathe deep and allow yourself to feel how this connection really feels. Let yourself smile, breathe deep, give thanks to all that is, which includes yourself. Wiggle your fingers nose ears and toes and open your eyes.
If you can write or speak about how you feel straight away the experience will solidify into your experience more solidly and the meditation will come easier next time. I suggest trying it twice a week and seeing what the effects are.
I would love to hear from you about your experiences!!!
I can only speak about my own experiences because that is what I know to be true for me. I don’t think I have answers for everything, I do hope that my experiences can be an inspiration for others stepping forward into their own healing journey, and I would love to hear fyou!ou ! This is an exciting time and we are all part of humanity’s evolution! So let’s get on it !!!!
WE ARE OUR ANCESTORS WILDEST DREAMS Xxxlovelaraxxx
So here I am! Fresh out of this weeks therepy session with a book to read too!!! Pete Walkers ‘ From surviving to thriving,’ It’s quite shocking to finally start to accept that the monsters in my mind could actually be symptoms of unprocessed trauma! It’s very hard to accept that my ‘perfect’ childhood created the traumas that I am now actively healing ! I love my Mum and Dad and I love the happy memories of my childhood and wish to forever keep them shiny gold in my mind to see and cuddle whenever times are hard ! I love you Mum and Dad and THANKYOU for all the love and support you have given me my whole life !!!!
Right, that’s the truth from one aspect of my mind , now here it is from another direction. I grew up In a small town with working parents who both began work at 16 and worked every day and paid taxes until they were 70! They believed fully in the paradigm in which they lived and wanted nothing more than for their daughter to be normal! They had me!!!! Born bum first at least 2 months early and bright yellow! No time for any pain relief and no nurses present just Mum and Dad and little yellow me!!! Obviously very quickly I was whisked away to an incubator and fed on formula , it was 1973! My mum was a good girl and ‘just did as she was told’ even when they told her she was not allowed to breastfeed me cos I was too small and didn’t let my parents touch me for 2 months !
They used to stand at a window and wave at their little yellow baby !
I was in the glass box , not touched by anyone’s skin !
Only pricked by needles and fed by bottles!
I was alive ! And after too many miscarriages an alive baby was a cause for celebration , no one would ever question the way the doctors and nurses decided I should be treated, that’s just normal!!!!
Until 2 years ago I have spent my whole life feeling that there was a barrier between me and ‘normal people’ separate because of my oddness and not normal ness , hearing my families wishes that I could just be normal and having no idea why I wasn’t or how I could be so!
I spend a lot of time working out how to connect with people and how to not be too connected with people. It’s really all or nothing with me ! Either you are never getting past my firewall or you are all the way in and I have no boundaries and we are one ! Its very bi polar and over the last few years I have been working on the origins of this personal phenomenon.
At my sons birthday a couple of years ago I told my mum about the work I’d been doing on this particular piece of my personal healing story , my Aunty gruffly Pooh poohed me and told me that I was weird , but I soldiered on and told my mum the whole journey. When I’d finished she was crying happy tears and said ‘ I always knew you would be the one to start to heal all this stuff!’ Love you Mum! You always support me even though your trained ‘ do as you are told’ Mind wants to Judge me like my Aunty does. But me and mum are connected by Love , Love we have built over 46 years of confusion separation judgement and conditionings .
So the journey I told my mum about was this:
I had been at a midwife conference and was feeling very alienated and alone , like the weirdo , with no one to talk to or hang out with. I knew this was a triggered response because in reality I was truly loved by many at the midwife conference and I had many friends there . But here I was alone isolated and wobbly. I sat by a big window and allowed my mind to form a journey, I breathed deep , felt my roots delve deep into the ground and my branches reach high into the sky. I strengthened my Golden bubble around me and called my guides and ancestors to me . I set my intentions:
‘ I intend to journey to the middle realm into my own physical past , to meet with me as a baby and heal any traumas that occurred then. ‘ I breathed deep, visualised my tree, walked toward it and settled myself at its roots in my minds eye. I stated my intention one more time and allowed my mind self to melt into the trunk of the tree. I called my dragon Erin and Grandmother Spider to me and together we journeyed to my baby self in the incubator.
I stood watching baby me as she called for her mama who never came , I then understood my own self soothing , I’ll do it myself then , headspace because either I learned that then or I would have died from abandonment and grief! I then took a step towards the incubator and felt my breasts tingle! I Knew what I had to do! I picked baby me out of the box and I breastfeed! It was amazing, I could feel baby me feeding and learning that there was more Connection and more hope! After a while of feeding and singing and stroking, I put baby Lara back in her box , gave thanks and journeyed back to my body .
As I said my Mum cried when I told her , even though what I did and said was totally alien to my Mums trained way of thinking ,even though journey work is definitely ‘weird’ my Mums Eternal Soul heard some truth and blessed It with her tears of relief and Love .
Since then I feel a greater connection to my loved ones and I am more able to have healthy boundaries and observe when I feel disconnected.
I know that we are all here on our very individual journeys, healing learning transforming and creating. Each time we open our minds to our traumas and allow ourselves to begin to heal we heal the traumas for all our relations.
This is not gonna be easy and it definitely is not gonna be comfortable but there is no growth in the comfort zone so right now when all the traumas of life are showing themselves right now is the best time to take a step and begin to heal! For me the healing path involves journey work , yoga, bubbles, writing, FireSpinning and energetic therapy sessions . I invite everyone to find out what heals You and to get involved!!!! And as we heal our insides gradually our outsides will heal too! And then whatever happens we will be able to face it ! Fully real and fully now! blessed be! Xxxlovelaraxxx
So here I am a week after the beautiful birth of a wild free baby . I’m the capable support and older , calmer , competent cook , driver , cleaner and sorter. I’m there to let the Mum and Dad relax into their Connection and relationship with their Son. I do the little everyday stuff that will be happening the same for the next few years like , washing up, bin emptying, recycling, laundry, tidying up , shopping, driving etc. I’m not here because the family can’t do it themselves, I’m here so they can focus on the beginning of their baby’s life and learn how to communicate and cooperate, with each other surfing and growing the massive rush of Oxytocin that they all felt as the baby was born.
It’s a brilliant invisible and fully seen job. It’s a job for a person who knows their worth but also is humble enough to know that they are just doing what needs to be done and that these jobs could be done by anyone. The best thing to hear is when the family state that they are doing it themselves! The worst is when they say that they couldn’t have done it without you! Amazing, invisible and easily replaceable is how I love to be ! What I do is not rocket science , just practical love-filled everyday magic.
I’m glad to be able to do this part of my birth assistant job just before I start this winters therapy proper. It reminds me of my skills and my Souls purpose. It also reminds me that I am brave and courageous and that I can do many things , so healing myself is definitely a possibility!!!!
This week my session was mostly about dropping energetic charges from the abusive relationship I was in in my twenties and thirties. We used kinesiology muscle testing to pinpoint the emotions that needed release and then utilised Anne Jensens HeartSpeak to actually move them on. The feeling of needing to fight was felt ,released and then balanced by knowing . Then my feeling of sadness we searched for felt and balanced with peace . It’s such an amazing thing to feel the feelings and not connect them to any one story . To allow the feelings to actually be felt and to then let the balancing feeling grow until all is well and balanced.
Once we had done this process I felt I needed to make my emotional boundary with my old partner strong so I visualised my amazing golden sparkling bubble and I tapped the side of my hand until it was very strong. I felt very calm and empowered and I knew what I needed to do next . I needed to clear the residue of all of this from my chakras, I told Sandra this and she agreed gently supporting me as I gave birth to my own mental and physical healing process. I’m not gonna detail my process here but what I do offer is an exerpt from my new novel ‘The Story‘ which is a book set in 2118bc with a girl called Sha-la and in 2118ad with a girl called Sophie , the book follows Sha-la in the past as she readies herself for her First Imbolc Full Moon egg ritual, and Sophie in the future as she heals herself from the terrors of the ‘ one true god industry’ . The book is written in the style of Dion Fourtune, where the reader becomes the characters so Experiences the healings and evolutions as and alongside the characters at the same time.
Sophie lay awake knowing that sunrise was still a while away. She rose from her sleeping place in the Red Tent and walked to the opening in the scarves that lead to the outside world. She gently parted the scarves and allowed herself to walk naked outside into the nearly full moon starlit night. The warm night Air kissed her skin, mixed with the twinkling of the stars so Sophies whole body reaction was one of physical excitement and stimulation. She observed herself, feeling her feelings and feeling her body‘s reaction to the warmth and wetness of the rolling mists rising around her . Sophie smiled at herself , ‘feeling’ ,she was no longer shocked and astonished that she had feelings, however she was now in a place of gentle amusement that it ever been possible for her to have to have existed without feeling. As she let her hands stroke her skin she marvelled at the gentle electric shocks of skin touching skin and let this new gentle form of contact open her Heart and Mind. For a second all was bliss and beauty , then she was there, hands holding her down, the bright lights, the pain…..
It was different now, she saw the situation, and knew it for past memory, not present experience and breathed her Mind once more into the present. Sophie felt her body and realised that her new ‘feelings’ held the key to her being able to clear this past memory ‘present invader’ She moved her hands once more over her pelvis filling her hands and mind with as much soft and gentleness as she could , her body jerked and her mind began to jerk too , but, she stayed in this Here and Now with her Mind and now only her body was in the physically held past. Sophie placed one of her hands on her pelvis and the other one above her head, where the Angel said her crown energy wheel sits . She formulated the statement in her mind.
“All the ways that I have been invaded, used and abused.”
She said it out loud and then breathed in and out through her Roots then her Branches , then her Heart. Three times seemed good and felt right, so Sophie continued down the Rainbow Energy Wheels of her body, Crown, Brow, Chin , Throat, Heart left and right, Solar Plexus, Centre Pelvis , Left and Right Pelvis , Root front and back. At each energy centre she paused and felt the old held terror energy begin to move. At her throat she felt to yawn loads and was reminded that the Sacred Breaths Are The Yawn , the Burp the Laugh , the fart and the Sigh. At her heart she felt strong pains like broken bones and felt sick as they ached . As her hands came close to her Pelvis Centre she felt a deep terror come over her. Silently calling for help to her Angel , Sophie continued.
“All the ways I have been invaded used and abused.”
The blackball of terror , lodged so long in her Pelvis bloped and burped and began to move somewhere else. She breathed deep and allowed ‘that which does not serve ‘ to leave. Immediately her body convulsed in spasms of heaving. Sophie spewed everything out, leaving a black tarry mess on the grass. She stood up and gathered herself in once more, her attention now on the Left and Right sides of her Pelvis. She said her statement, breathed and then observed what came up. The unfathomable darkness and endless nothingness, emptied and filled her pelvis. In one breath in, she felt all that had ever been felt and held there. In the next breath out all was released, leaving a clear empty space. Sophie fought to keep her mind on her healing mission, breathing in the light from Her Crown and Roots and breathing out all that doesn’t serve. She called herself inwards to stay close and gradually filled the empty space with Light and Breath. Sophie realised that she was now sitting down and that the pile of shiny slime had now soaked into the dew covered Earth. She sat marvelling in her newly learned skills and then from behind her she heard the Angels voice, soaring and peeking like the beautiful Birds in subtle sunrise light. This is Heaven. Sophie thought to herself .This is Now where I only feel the emotions and feelings of Now. This body whose only memory is this Sunrise, is Mine !
The Angel’s voice toned and intoned until Sophie could almost see the Golden Bubble all around, her .As she finished singing Jo-anne chimed her finger symbols and gently Sophie once again felt her own body in the Here and Now.
“Well done lovely one!” Joanne nodded towards Sophie. “ I see you have been practising the Chakra Energy Release Technique I showed you. Your colours look much clearer than they did yesterday. “Yes.” replied Sophie.
“I’m beginning to recognise what is Me and what is stored memory. It is very interesting and confusing.”
I’d love to hear your opinions and experiences with the book and the healing processes. Please contact me and together we will all heal from our collective and individual pasts and then on clear sturdy foundations we will begin to create a new future for the next 7 generations ! Xxxlovelaraxxx
Feeling the fear… love, anger and joy!
I’ve lived a very exciting life so far! I’ve taken responsibility and walked my walk far and wide speaking my truth, standing firm and activating Peace and Love wherever I can. It’s definitely not always been easy and some of my experiences I would not wish on anyone! I have said more than once that I am glad that my life is happening to me because I know I can cope and I won’t have to deal with it happening to someone else!
For a long time, from at least my early twenties, that’s 26 years! I have always not ‘done’ fear. I decided that I would face everything with Love, and fear could just jog on! I have awesome disassociation skills and have always put the fear at the back of the line when dealing with life and its myriad of mentalnesses!
Yep, I have always had a volatile temper and I have been the one to shout and throw stuff! Yes, I have bullies in my head telling me I’m shit when I make mistakes or I can’t cope with normal everyday stuff like reading numbers, knowing the date/time knowing my left from my right. Fortunately, I live in the West and it’s 2018! So this means I have enough privilege to find my skills and balance out my disabilities, I’m lucky enough that someone decided that numerexia, dyspraxia and ADHD, are all just different ways to process information and I am lucky enough to be able to read and gradually process the fact that I’m not stupid and useless – I’m actually just a person whose brain works in its own special way, just like everyone else!
So some of my skills that help me to be a brilliant Birth, Life and Death assistant are my abilities to feel my feelings but also put them aside so I can support whoever needs support for Birth, Life and Death.
This is the thing that I could not do for 2 years after the death and birth of my son Angel-Benjammin Love. I could not put down my grief , I felt broken and lost , could no longer serve and could not feel anything except grief and confusion.
People phoned me to ask me to support births but I couldn’t. After two years two close friends called me to support them and I tentatively said yes. Both births happened naturally and healthily before I arrived and I was actually glad to not have been in the birth-space, still not sure of how I would react! I did aftercare, cooking, cleaning and childcare and felt a bit more like my real self .
The next two years I supported women over the phone who had had stillbirths and also women who were about to have stillbirths. This was sad and challenging. however, the women all seemed empowered and healed by the fact that I was alive and that even though I had been through a mother’s nightmare I was still able to function and be with them. It gave them hope and I was glad to serve them in their dark times.
I was then asked to support 2 births of women who I did not know very well. I did support them and each Birth ended with a live child and mother, however both births were instrumental and surgical and were very traumatic for all involved, me included! I had to call in help from my tribe who reminded me that I cannot make anyone do anything I can only provide access to information and support the birth story as it unfolds. The babies are two years old now and the families are happy and growing strong. As am I, as I walk this path of self-healing!
In my last blog, I let people know that I am beginning a course of therapy for Complex Post Traumatic Stress. Even though I’m not starting the deep stuff until January when I will be safely housed on my new boat, which is being built at the moment. I am still going to weekly sessions and learning some first aid to help with the feelings that I have not ever really felt before.
A month ago, a friend who I have known since she was 7 asked me to be with her as she birthed. She was estranged from her mother and had moved to a new town so had minimal support. I went and visited her and her partner and they seemed young, healthy, strong and capable. They planned to birth in hospital and I would come to offer support during early labour and after when they returned from hospital. All was clear and I felt confident I could support these young members of my heart family tribe.
I came to visit delivering extra food blankets and towels , making sure all was in place for the birth . They were given a due date of 5th Nov and so by 1st Nov all was ready. We planned to meet up on the 3rd Nov at 9 am to go to a car boot sale and get some wishes like a rocking chair and some nice plants! At 6.30 am I got a call saying Lea was in labour and could I come over. I was given a lift by my Syzygy Jim.
Sitting in the van, I felt something. I realised that it was fear! I’m still not used to feeling fear so for a bit I was confused. I then worked out what was going on and I tapped myself and gave myself rescue remedy until the fear subsided. I know that it’s my job to emote love and create oxytocin’ in the birth-space so I was now concentrated on the ability to put my fear aside so I could whomp up enough oxytocin to support the family before they went to hospital.
When I got there, I took a moment at the door to breathe deep and place all that was my stuff at the door. I also asked the Goddess/God to be with me and work through me to support this family however they needed me too. I opened the door to the baby being born into its father’s hands!!!! I heard the baby cry and saw the placenta be born into a big cuddle of love. I made hot choc and gave out rescue remedy and contacted the local midwives to come and check the awesome new family.
It was a beautiful amazing experience and I learned that even though now I’m actually feeling my fear I can still put it aside to support and serve birthing families.which is my calling and choice!
I was questioned angrily and deeply by one of my friends who is healing from deep trauma and was told how lucky we all were that everything had gone well. I sat with the thoughts and feelings for a long time and then cleared a statement through my chakras which was “All the times and all the ways that I have been persecuted for supporting self-responsibility “.
I know first hand that some births do not end with a live baby or mother. I still stand firm that each family deserves their right to be supported in love not directed by fear, so I will always stand and support self-responsibility and praise it. Regardless of the outcome.
This week with my therapist she showed me a new emotion technique, which balances emotions.
I decide which emotion to feel and check with muscle testing what is relevant. I chose anger which is balanced by joy and fear which is balanced by Love. I began by sitting in a pose that symbolised my anger. Fists up, shoulders tense, jaw set, eyes flaming. I sat and felt the anger within me with no trigger point, no Story to connect it to, I searched in me for all the anger and I felt it’s burning flame in me able to do anything! When I could find no more I put my hands in my lap and let them rest palm upwards. Then Sandra directed me to feel joy, the feeling of the new family welled up inside me and I felt the golden joy flow from me and surround me. It was a brilliant thing to just feel.
Next, we did fear! I put up my knees and wrapped my arms around them and squeezed my eyes shut and went for it ….urghhhh! A massive cold terror gripped me, my heart almost stopped and I felt numb and freezing at the same time! Tears poured down my face and I was useless spineless and broken. A black tightness in my base gradually rose up through my chakras gripping each one with cold mean harsh tension right up to my head which felt like it was being crushed! I kept searching and finally I could feel no more so Sandra directed me to put my hands on my lap and to now open out to Love. I tentatively opened my heart and suddenly all cold was gone and a red-gold glow was shining in my heart space warming my whole body, my cheeks felt flushed and I could feel the warmth of love in my Base gradually rising up through my chakras ending at my head which now was filled with warmth and a radiance that felt calm and comfortable.
I was totally surprised at how horrible fear actually feels and I was interested to see that I felt I was going to die if I even tried to fight! I was also interested at how easy it was to move into love and joy after feeling anger and fear. I’m going to practice this weekly because I feel that I need some more practice at actually feeling feelings with no reactionary story behind them. I’m fully up for feeling fear until I know it as intimately as Love because then I will be very able to spot myself when I am panicking and I will be able to make it clear to others what is going on for me.
I reckon panic attacks and triggers are the first steps on a monumental healing journey that we are all on.
Each experience gives us more information and insight into our own physical mental stories and needs. We are learning new skills and our pasts have led us to this point where we can begin to actually heal! This is a challenge and it will not be easy but I reckon Now is the time and it’s way more fun than being bored!!!! Big love to all you Warrior clan of Love! Let’s make a new world!!!!! Let’s heal!!!!! Xxxlovelaraxxx
I’ve decided to start writing about my healing journey and the tools I have been using to help me finally be mentally and physically free from lifelong trauma – in the hope that others will see it and know that there is always hope and that we are amazing and we can do anything!!!! CW: bereavement; PTSD triggers
My perception of the world 4 years after giving birth to my stillborn son Angel Benjammin Love at 38 weeks, the subsequent loss of 8 pints of blood and the dying for 3-5 seconds while the angels in the hospital scraped out my womb so I could stop bleeding to death, has changed quite a lot!
Some people might observe that I now have emotional depth. Some others might note that now I actually ask for help from others and accept that sometimes I have to be vulnerable and allow others to help and assist me.
I have been a reputed ‘Superhero Mum’ for the previous 16 years travelling the planet entertaining, loving and wellfairying on the frontline of freedom, standing tall as a warrior in the war against drugs and drug takers that marginalises and scapegoats the most damaged and vulnerable in our society. It’s been big, it’s been fun and I wouldn’t change a moment!
However, during that whole time I carried traumas in my body and mind which made my daily existence a terrifying place to be. A few close friends knew, but mostly I wouldn’t let anyone close to ‘my stuff’. I gained a rep for being the mad crazy woman who would send men mad and or the occasionally raging violent woman who needed to be removed from places.
Fast forward to now and the traumas of the past are beginning to have space to open out, release, be heard and be felt.
It took a dead baby, a dead me and 2 years later too many thoughts that I should be dead to get me to realise that I couldn’t do this on my own.
Enter MEET ! A group of Quakers, supplying energetic therapies to people on low wages, in Oxford. My awesome Angel at the Luther Street Surgery in Oxford put me in contact and even though it terrified me, I went to the preliminary interview.
I told my story to the kind lady , starting with the birth of Angel Benjammin, then tracking back through to my birth. When I’d finished she smiled warmly at me and said ”Well just one of these events would be traumatic, however, the three other events and the subsequent other situations that your traumatised self accepted, because of what you saw as normal, have compounded into a Complex version of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. We will put you on the list for therapy straight away!”
My therapist, is a lovely Woman. She listens , doesn’t judge , and offers me tools to help move on the energetic charge of traumas that my body mind and soul still carry.
As we move into the winter I feel we all could do with some help moving our old stuff on and making some space to rest and create once again! So today I offer a very simple version of EFT Emotional Freedom Technique.
This is not intended to fix everything forever, but is offered as a first aid tactic when panicking is happening and also as a tool in your personal mindfulness kit to add to any mental practice you use.
MethodHold up hand and tap the small finger side of your hand or just tap the front of your chest between your collarbones.
Then, say out loud or in your head “Even though I…… ( here is where you add whatever you need to , eg am still experiencing panic, still too angry , am full of fear etc) I still truly and deeply Love, Honour, Cherish and Respect myself. All parts of myself. Including my totally relevant ( panic, fear, anger, confusion etc) and I ask for help in healing this and I give thanks that healing is happening!
Then breathe deeply and see how you feel now . If you still feel really raw , tap again and focus on breathing and tapping again and see how you feel.
For me this works to calm mini-panics, in the moment, but for big ones, I have to sit with someone else to help me focus.
I’ve found that it’s hard for me to access this healing when I’m a full panic because the nasty team in my head spend too much time telling me anything I know is useless and that I’m too stupid to be able to heal!
Panic attacks are exactly that! Panic on all levels, especially the brain!!!! My first new skill is to notice when one is happening and step back from whatever has triggered the panic and tap my chest and focus on breathing in and out until the panic subsides. If I’m not quick to notice I could be right in one and not able to do it for myself!
Always ask for help – you never know, you might just get it. That’s my new mantra!
I tell people where I’m at and I ask for help! I refuse to be embarrassed about the broken bits of my brain cos I never see someone being embarrassed about their broken arm or leg. I just see them resting and healing and asking for help when getting up the stairs!
So here it is, my first anarchistic (meaning, to take responsibility) mental health tool! I hope you like it and it brings you peace!!!!
Here I sit on the coach – I’ve been travelling since 6 this morning. On my way home from the 2018 Midwifery Today Conference in Bad Wildbad, Germany.
How do I feel? My cup runs over with Love, compassion, supportive Sisterhood and oxytocic energy!
It’s an amazing thing to stand in a hall of Birthworkers and hear them all singing as one! Especially when they are singing the words that I have written!!!!! Yep, PHYSIOLOGICAL BIRTH THE MUSICAL had its first outing at the cabaret and was very well received!!!! From the impromptu disco dance at the beginning to ‘Love is in the Air ‘ through ‘Birthkeeper ‘ ‘Birth Lightning ‘ ‘The Birth Warp’ and finishing with ‘I am your placenta’ and ‘All you need is love’, it was a proper educational, inspirational and enjoyable experience!
I’m inspired to perform it other places and to start collecting people’s birth bits for each section, which could be collected together to create a kind of ‘birthing vagina monologues!!!!’
And then international physiological birth day!!!!!! The Sky is the limit!!!!!!
Make no mistake, maternal death rates are rising globally and we must find a way to reach the next generation of birthing mothers with our awesome ancient skills!!!!! So I’m on the mission! If you want me to bring my LOVE BIRTH SEX AND CHOCOLATE weekends to your area, read my books, perform my musical, show my birthing dolly and my awesome vagina cushions please get in touch!!!!!
Loads of love, Lara xxxxx
(Written to Calm, Relax & Reassure! Honest!)
Being pregnant – lets be honest! Is very strange! O.k. maybe not all the time but on average mostly you feel very different. More different than you’ve ever felt before!!
Tired? Irritable? – Eating fresh raw foods in small amounts. Seeds bean sprouts, dried fruit – raises your blood sugar then irritations with people & stuff melt away! Honest!
Feeling nauseous? Steer clear of fags & booze!! Drink ginger tea /beer!!
Confused at your inability to “hold it down?” the extra hormones you get on your period (y’know the ones that make you irrational, psychotic, weepy etc) you get the same ones when you’re preggers only 80 % more! Your chemical make up has changed by ¾!!!! No wonder you feel different!!
Lying / Bathing quietly in the sun & water for an hour a day allows your brain & body to relax into this totally new state of being- Maiden to Mother, Flower to Fruit etc!!
Stiff? Full of achy bits? Your body’s ligaments & tendons soften during pregnancy so that your pelvis can tilt & make the birth canal a straight run for easy birthing!
That’s about it for the first three months (trimester).
In the middle 3 months you usually settle into pregnant life, being amazed at your abilities of taste & smell & sleeping!! You could have a renewed burst of energy & confidence as you see you’re your body start to change no longer do you just feel preggers now you’re starting to look it! Rubbing nut kernel oil onto stretchy bits makes it less likely that you’ll get stretch marks! Walking helps you exercise the calf & thigh muscles needed for physical active labor!
The third trimester 6-9 months is pretty good. The home strait! You feel pregnant, you look pregnant! Comfy seats, free food, shopping carriers, breakfast in bed, pampering, massages, etc. all these things & more are yours to command!!! So surround yourself with people who recognise that you are doing the best job in the world so that they treat you & your bump accordingly!
Drinking Raspberry leaf tea strengthens your uterine muscles so that they are able to squeeze out your baby! Tastes good too!!
Basically, thinking & planning how you want to feel & where you want to give birth, who you want to be with you & most importantly how you want to walk across the bridge from pregnancy to motherhood will ensure & empower you to give birth in the way that you know you can!!
“It’s called labour because it’s hard work!!”
Firstly, it’s not lost on me how honoured and privileged I ( naughty fairy, hippy, me) am to be allowed to assist in this kind of place.
I walk around shadowing this diminutive purple-swirling midwife, rubbing shoulders with nurses, doctors and medical secretaries, all manner of people who on paper and in the eyes of many are more qualified than me to be here. I know that I am always where I am supposed to be!
Already today I have assisted with dietary advice, baby holding, IUD (coil) insertion, and vaginal growth removal ( a little purple pearl) I have cleaned up, re-stocked, remembered, observed and assisted.
My abilities of calm quiet speech to relax tense people and my hands full of universal Reiki have been appreciated and have made me feel at home and of use, in these pretty alien, medicalised surroundings.
I find myself observing to glean what is really necessary, which questions to ask, what dietary advice to give, the way that Love and cuddles create a bridge along which communication and compassion and Oxytocin can flow.
I see herbal and industrial medicine used wisely hand in hand. I see clinical and artistic models merged in a way that creates calm in the easily concerned and confused.
The path of the post-modern midwife is one of the artist and healer; artfully she mixes the palette of medicines to create optimum health and happiness for all she serves.
I like this reflection I see and wholeheartedly accept my role to be the successor of this woman and the many like her who have and will support women towards happy healthy natural births instead of leading women like lambs to the slaughter of industrialized birth.
“Never doubt that a small group of people working together can change the world. Indeed it’s the only thing that ever has” Margaret Mead
This path and calling is long and wide with many wolves and dark places. The joys will far outweigh the sadnesses but I will remember that all experience is just that, just another rich colour that creates the wonderful vibrant tapestry of our amazing lives.
Sometimes I feel small and stupid, that there is too much to learn, too much to do, then I remember to hold my own hand and believe in the vibration of the Universe that guides us all. This life is for living and being and a place to really experience all that our physical beings can experience. So to be called to the office of Midwife, with all of the colours of experience that it holds, is one I welcome – always with eyes wide with awe and with a heart open and full of love. Fairy love and kisses Laraxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx