Release and Acceptance, acceptance and release.
This could be the simple process of breathing, this could be a pelvic floor exercise, this could be a couple making love , this could be magic .
Breathing in and gracefully accepting the breath in to my body , letting it fill my belly my womb and my cunt . Pausing and feeling what feeling filled feels like , then releasing all that has filled me , letting it all go , smoothly and gently with a sigh a moan a laugh a burp .or a cry . Then pausing and feeling what feeling empty feels like , then once again allowing the breath to enter my body , filling me up to overflow, expanding my chest my belly my womb my cunt . Then again releasing until all of me feels flat and empty .
I practice breathing in the morning, it’s one of the ways I have found to help with the terrors I have when I wake up . All is warm and cosy I’m safe and asleep , hold on , somethings happening, my baby is dead , I’m being evicted from my flat on Dec 21st , the boat I have still needs insulation, steel, windows, batteries , electricity and plumbing! People have not paid me for my work so now the council tax bill and the tax and electric bill are putting me scarily near my overdraft limit….. it’s all coming thick and fast now , heart beating fast , Body almost numb, scared to move , holding my breath…::: wait … remember to breathe ! Breathe in and breathe out , concentrate on the acceptance and the release, watch my belly fill, feel my chest move up and down. Allow my mind to be filled only with breathing in and breathing out .
This practice sometimes gets me out of my foetal ball of terrified sobbing, sometimes it doesn’t and I just cry till it stops or until I have to go to work.
I am proficient at getting up and doing it anyway , as are my mother , grandmother, great grandmother, great great grandmother great great great grandmother etc …and my father , my grand father , my great grandfather, my great great grandfather my great great great grandfather.
For generations we have numbed our fears traumas and terrors and got up and done what needs to be done to pay the rent , pay the bills , pay the taxes and provide for the children.
My disassociation skills are hardcore. Mixed with my performance training and my formidable will power I can mostly physically power on thru whatever trauma is terrifying my brain on whatever day .
My question is why should we always have to? Why is taking a break to heal so hard to accept , why should we only always be happy and accepting of demands on us but oh so very judgemental and disapproving of accepting our own needs ?
I am aware that in the last 10 years society as a whole has moved slightly closer to accepting that we as a planet and a race of people need to do some healing of past abuses and also do some breaking of old habits that are destroying us .
How to start when the whole system depends on the workers ability just get up and get on? Where is the space for the poorest and the weakest of us to release , accept and heal?
In Mumbai the rule makers decided to burn their rubbish dump because it was so huge ! The smoke could be seen from space , people lived and worked there , and when I asked my Indian Doctor friend about these people she told me that that was their life , acceptance.
I know that all of the people in the west are privileged, even if we seem poor in relation to lord so and so and Duke whatshisname . We are privileged because for the first time in 7 generations we have the opportunities to open our hearts , release our traumas, held for generations and to heal.
This is no small task! We have been conceived, grown, birthed, fed and educated in a system based in fear , we are told what to do, to feel , to wear, to think . But at all times we are reminded that doing anything else would be so hard , so dangerous so difficult that it must be easier to stay in the system, one of the cogs turning the big machine to make money for the man .
Well here I am ! This is me ! Like the song says “ I am brave I am bruised this is who I’m meant to be ….”
So I breathe , I write , I ask for help and I steel myself to be able to accept without guilt crushing me to pieces . And with every breath I learn that I am worthy , my feelings are important and to grieve and to heal my heart and soul is the reason I am here , the reason we all are here . To feel , to be , to experience.
Here’s an excerpt from my new book ‘ The Story ‘ it’s set in the past and the future, this part is
about Sophie, the girl in 2118AD who has escaped from ‘The One True God Industry’ and is now healing in a place called ‘ The Sanctuary ‘ with the help of the Angel Jo-anne .
…..Sophie sat under the tree and watched as the ‘Rainbow Women’ lounged sang and chatted . They seemed so connected with each other , so available to each other , but also individuals in their own right. She was learning about Rights, Boundaries, Giving and Receiving from Jo-anne , the beautiful Angel.
” Not that I am the most learned in this , truth be told I am more practiced in acquiescence than I am at stating and holding clear Boundaries. However Marrietta always says that to learn something fully I must teach it , so here goes!”
Sophie looked at the tray of food set before her, her hunger was now no longer a gnawing pain and her ability to digest food was growing with every day. She looked worriedly at the food and at the women and stood with the intention of serving .
” What are you doing ? ” a gentle voice asked .
” I thought that it would be nice to serve you, seeing as you have been so lovely to me . ” Sophie replied .
Jo-Anne’s warm strong hands gripped Sophie by the shoulders and gazed steadily and gently into her eyes. ” You are here on free land, at the Sanctuary, in the Centre of Healing. You are safe , you are connected to the ground and this group . You are safe to eat here.”
Sophie was confused and felt strange.
“I just wanted to do something nice for you,” she stammered, now more confused. Jo-Anne held Sophie strongly and slowly stroked her hair until she began to breathe more slowly. ” What you were feeling in response to feeling relaxed and happy was the trained in feeling that you must give and serve.”
Sophie shook her head. “No! I really wanted to do something for you- that’s all!”
She was crying with confusion now, her body shaking , small terrified sobs escaping from her, tears beginning to roll down her face.
” Now what are you feeling?” Jo-Anne asked. Sophie gulped back tears and tried to talk.
” My hearts beating fast, my stomach is all knotted tight, I feel scared ,like something bad is going to happen- and it’s my fault .
” This is why I didn’t let you serve the food, sweet one.”
Sophie looked confused.
Jo-Anne gave her a hot steaming honey sweetened cup of herbal tea and placed a blanket on her shoulders.
” Right now you are feeling panic which could lead to shock. So we need to keep you warm and feed you sweet tea to relax your insides. Your mind also needs warmth and sweetness lovely one. You are learning to feel your emotions. Because you have been abused and trained in trauma the first reactions you feel towards a situation are not actually your own . They are reactions built into your psyche by repetitive, abusive actions designed to hardwire a trauma response into your Mindscape .”
Sophie looked even more. Confused. Jo -Anne smiled warmly. ” We are born to manifest the glory of the Multiverse that is within us . It is not just in some of us , it is in everyone.”
She took Sophies hand and held it gently , a warm glow suffusing from her into the gently shaking child/woman.
” When you feel happy and relaxed the industry training short circuits your natural response to this. They beat you, burnt you, electrocuted and broke you so you would come to a place in your mind where only their needs and their happiness have dominion in your brain. To assist you to sit, relax and accept food, love and support without doing anything but being and feeling is the point of this exercise. You are safe, you are at the ground of the Sanctuary. You can
trust us and yourself more. You can fear less, you are safe . Feel your roots connecting with the ground. Feel Mother Earths energy flowing into you and filling your Base red energy centre.
Sophie concentrated and began to see flashes of red and feel a dull ache at the base of her pubic bone – a place where she had not felt at all for a good while…..
I offer these words as a beginning, as an inspiration to question our oldest learned responses. I send them out as a Challenge to us all. Dare we question what we have always known? could we heal the traumas of abuses so long past they are now just ‘ how we do things’? Is it possible that we could heal ourselves then begin to heal the World that we will pass on to Our children? Go on ! I dare you!!Xxxlovelaraxxx