It’s a rainbow! A multi coloured birth story, filled with beauty and awe-inspiring majesty.
Baby Angel Benjamin Love, the creation of fairy love, fairy loving of joy of life. A blessing in my 40th year An excuse to rest, eat, be, love myself and appreciate how wonderful being alive is. Also, he was the colander that sorted my real true loves. Friends from the freeloaders and power-grabbers. Something I am useless at myself.
On Sunday 9th march, 37 weeks pregnant, we discovered that Benjamin’s heart had stopped beating. A condition where the baby takes on water until the heart can no longer support it. No way out, just a thing that happens. I am glad that I was blissfully unaware and so joyfully pregnant throughout his whole existence.
On the 13th march, I gave birth, surrounded by best friends Josie and Coral, husband Jim, Mum, Dad, my sister Holly, my son Jake and midwife sisters Joy and Meg. Some extra hormones in my fanny to start things off and really soon my waters began to flow. I relaxed and danced, kissed and cuddled, and soon I was needing to rock. I was fearful, the acupuncture lady gave me a tiara of relaxation and I smiled .
I got some stuff to make me poo cos I figured that a clear path for my babe was best, seeing as he wouldn’t be able to help with his body to be born. I got more focused really quickly , rocking, dancing, swaying, loving, being loved in a big bubble of love and light.
I needed to poo and did. I looked at my fanny with a mirror and could see it was opening. My body moved inside. My normal brain said “I need a poo”. My goddess brain said ” I’m birthing a baby now!”
I was up on the bed leaning over the back, kneeling, squatting, stretching. Feeling my body move! Amazing! Bones, muscles, hormones, breath, amazing!
Classically my normal brain said “I can’t do this anymore”, so did my mouth, I’m told . I don’t know. I had gone from physical thought and was now in physical feeling, knowing that my body was in charge and could definately birth my baby.
Chinese burns on my bits… Yes here he comes! Legs first then balls! “Lara he’s got big balls !” shouts my brilliant boy Jake. Breathe deep, relax, hold the space of sensation and experience in a joyful rainbow bubble. Breathe. Be. Feeling myself flower and open slowly and deliberately to birth my son’s belly and arms into the world. Breathe. Relax, float on rainbows of lush joy, distant, sleepy, then waking up to the Chinese burns again! This is it, this is his head, here he is, open, open, open… Relax.
There is a space now where the baby was a moment before. I’m cuddled and held, I breathe. I wail…
I think the wailing was good! It was still hurting and the placenta came, then still my womb was murder! Doing its best to close down, filled with about 8 pints of blood clots. I may be pretty hardcore, but this definately needed assistance! All the way! Drips, pills, injections, masks, crazy massage inside and out, grabbing, scraping… Crazy shit!!!!!
I woke up later, alive!!!! Pretty weak and confused, but alive, and surrounded by love from so many angles. All I could do was accept and learn!!
“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return.”