That’s the basis of it all. ‘Just’ breathing! As I put this ‘just breathing’ into practice it has become very clear to me that I hold my breath ALOT!
Ok so I’ve never learnt to breathe properly! I’m 46 and now my Mind is finally paying attention to my primary physical function that supports my life! This discovery is more than a little surprising to my Mind, it is however the truth my Soul has been communicating to my Body for my whole physical life!
At this stage Mind does a bit of negative thinking about how stupid slow and ridiculous I am , then I remember that my only real experience is Now and I am in charge of my thoughts and that I Awesome Being of Creation that I am, can create my reality .
So I breathe
Feet flat on ground, back straight, hands resting on thighs.
I recall the words of awesome Cunt Goddess Laura-Doe Harris ( The yoniversity.com look her up she
Accept the breath through your nose ,into your lungs , allow the breath to fill you completely.
Release your breath through your mouth let it all go , empty yourself ,
Then allow yourself to be filled again, from your Base, Pelvis, to belly to lungs , filled.
Then release your breath allowing it to carry away any tight negative stress and pains.
This is my recalling of her words not a verbatim account!
The memory of it does me good !
When it’s all getting too much
I stop thinking and I breathe.
I’ve not found it particularly easy! My Mind runs away with itself , faster and faster and then sometimes I realise that I’m holding my breath …. then I stop and start again …. it’s like when I was teaching my toddling sons the small life stuff , socks, shoes ,teeth , feet etc , it took loads of attempts and I had to keep loving them and assisting them that they could do it themselves… so know I’m using some of my 20 years worth of Mum skills on myself!
Patiently I focus on my breathing and I also tap my sternum and say my thing( a version of Emotional freedom Technique EFT)
Even though ..(today) I feel scared and upset.
I still truly and deeply,
Love , Honour, Cherish and Respect myself.
All parts of myself
Including my scared and upset feelings
And I ask for help in healing
And I give thanks that it is happening.
I breathe some more and I realise that I’m not shaking anymore, my hearts beating normal and I am breathing, easily deeply and consciously!
Accepting that I am perfect and that bits of my brain could also function in a gentler kinder way to myself is more than a little confusing and challenging for me ! However I’m going for it anyway and moving a lot of old held stuff , allowing space for me to learn some new skills that I’ve missed out on so far! Like breathing!
In the last 4 years since my Stillbirth experience with my Son Angel Benjammin Love I’ve met a lot of people who have had some really traumatic Birth experiences, before that I mostly met people who had had really traumatic relationship or sexual experiences. It seems many of us have a heavy ride in life and all we can do is ride the wave and get skilled at consciously focussing our minds on what brings us the most Joy and the most Love , coz for me anyway I just can’t be bothered anymore just swimming around in the same old shit!
So here I am writing up anything I find that I can offer up to anyone searching to find their inner Love, joy and peace cos I reckon it’s worth a go!!!!
If it’s helpful I’d love to read yer comments! I do LOVE YOU ALL! Xxxlovelaraxxx
“Let it go, let it go, can’t hold it back anymore….” ‘Frozen’
The first week into therapy in 2019 has moved something in me , this feels good. I’m not too sure what has moved and I never really knew in my conscious mind that I was carrying it!
So alongside the happy released feeling I also have a feeling of middling confusion. Not massive but unfamiliar and I am unsure about how much to look into it.
My logical mind says , you feel happy and positive, energetic and empowered, that’s brilliant! Let’s get on with feeling like that and living! Another piece of my mind asks , is it really that simple ? Can I really just track back Traumatic responses in my present to energetic blockages in my past and release them even if I do not know the details? Another part says , it’s cloudy there for a reason! It’s stuff you’ve carried genetically not anything to do with Lara in this Here and Now , that’s why it has come up for release!
It’s here in this dialogue that I begin to see my trauma based behaviour pattern . This part of me needs to know, needs to be in control because if not … argggh! …. My newly recognised sovereign feeling , my unconditional Love place is completely at ease with accepting not all needs to be dug up and fully seen all the time always . My logical , kind , loving self says , let it be, you don’t have to experience this trauma too! You have experienced everything else as Lara that has brought you to this point to be able to heal this place in your genetic family line so you yourself and your ancestors past and future are healed .
It’s all getting a bit big and scary for me again now, but then I breathe deeply for 3 breaths , in and out , focussing on my roots going into the Earth and my branches reaching up to the Sky , I breathe 3 more breaths and allow myself to accept energy into my roots and branches from Earth and Sky to fill my Heartspace. With another 3 breaths my Heart feeling full I invite myself to allow the positive energy from Earth and Sky ,Roots and Branches to fill my whole physical body including my Mind . So now in 3 last deep breaths I allow myself to feel full and energised at Body, Mind and Soul levels .
I re read what I have written , and my mind fills with the old Beatles song ‘Let it Be ‘
“When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be“
So with a bit of belief and courage I step into a new way of thinking. I’ve put my confusion with the situation down and I have allowed myself to accept a new reality is possible where I don’t need to know everything all the time ! Wow what a relief!
It takes practice for me to stay in this headspace because I am so used to behaving in my trauma triggered pattern. But now I know that this is a pattern I have a possibility and a good reason to step into and keep consciously creating a reality for myself that serves me and my highest good! Yay!
So here they are . My first tentative steps into a New reality at the start of this New year. I send them out to Us all as inspiration and information . If you fancy telling me what you’ve experienced ,if you use this breath meditation that would be fab! There’s no right or wrong – just experiences!
“This little light of mine , I’m gonna let it shine , let it shine , let it shine , let it shine!”
Release and Acceptance, acceptance and release.
This could be the simple process of breathing, this could be a pelvic floor exercise, this could be a couple making love , this could be magic .
Breathing in and gracefully accepting the breath in to my body , letting it fill my belly my womb and my cunt . Pausing and feeling what feeling filled feels like , then releasing all that has filled me , letting it all go , smoothly and gently with a sigh a moan a laugh a burp .or a cry . Then pausing and feeling what feeling empty feels like , then once again allowing the breath to enter my body , filling me up to overflow, expanding my chest my belly my womb my cunt . Then again releasing until all of me feels flat and empty .
I practice breathing in the morning, it’s one of the ways I have found to help with the terrors I have when I wake up . All is warm and cosy I’m safe and asleep , hold on , somethings happening, my baby is dead , I’m being evicted from my flat on Dec 21st , the boat I have still needs insulation, steel, windows, batteries , electricity and plumbing! People have not paid me for my work so now the council tax bill and the tax and electric bill are putting me scarily near my overdraft limit….. it’s all coming thick and fast now , heart beating fast , Body almost numb, scared to move , holding my breath…::: wait … remember to breathe ! Breathe in and breathe out , concentrate on the acceptance and the release, watch my belly fill, feel my chest move up and down. Allow my mind to be filled only with breathing in and breathing out .
This practice sometimes gets me out of my foetal ball of terrified sobbing, sometimes it doesn’t and I just cry till it stops or until I have to go to work.
I am proficient at getting up and doing it anyway , as are my mother , grandmother, great grandmother, great great grandmother great great great grandmother etc …and my father , my grand father , my great grandfather, my great great grandfather my great great great grandfather.
For generations we have numbed our fears traumas and terrors and got up and done what needs to be done to pay the rent , pay the bills , pay the taxes and provide for the children.
My disassociation skills are hardcore. Mixed with my performance training and my formidable will power I can mostly physically power on thru whatever trauma is terrifying my brain on whatever day .
My question is why should we always have to? Why is taking a break to heal so hard to accept , why should we only always be happy and accepting of demands on us but oh so very judgemental and disapproving of accepting our own needs ?
I am aware that in the last 10 years society as a whole has moved slightly closer to accepting that we as a planet and a race of people need to do some healing of past abuses and also do some breaking of old habits that are destroying us .
How to start when the whole system depends on the workers ability just get up and get on? Where is the space for the poorest and the weakest of us to release , accept and heal?
In Mumbai the rule makers decided to burn their rubbish dump because it was so huge ! The smoke could be seen from space , people lived and worked there , and when I asked my Indian Doctor friend about these people she told me that that was their life , acceptance.
I know that all of the people in the west are privileged, even if we seem poor in relation to lord so and so and Duke whatshisname . We are privileged because for the first time in 7 generations we have the opportunities to open our hearts , release our traumas, held for generations and to heal.
This is no small task! We have been conceived, grown, birthed, fed and educated in a system based in fear , we are told what to do, to feel , to wear, to think . But at all times we are reminded that doing anything else would be so hard , so dangerous so difficult that it must be easier to stay in the system, one of the cogs turning the big machine to make money for the man .
Well here I am ! This is me ! Like the song says “ I am brave I am bruised this is who I’m meant to be ….”
So I breathe , I write , I ask for help and I steel myself to be able to accept without guilt crushing me to pieces . And with every breath I learn that I am worthy , my feelings are important and to grieve and to heal my heart and soul is the reason I am here , the reason we all are here . To feel , to be , to experience.
Here’s an excerpt from my new book ‘ The Story ‘ it’s set in the past and the future, this part is
about Sophie, the girl in 2118AD who has escaped from ‘The One True God Industry’ and is now healing in a place called ‘ The Sanctuary ‘ with the help of the Angel Jo-anne .
…..Sophie sat under the tree and watched as the ‘Rainbow Women’ lounged sang and chatted . They seemed so connected with each other , so available to each other , but also individuals in their own right. She was learning about Rights, Boundaries, Giving and Receiving from Jo-anne , the beautiful Angel.
” Not that I am the most learned in this , truth be told I am more practiced in acquiescence than I am at stating and holding clear Boundaries. However Marrietta always says that to learn something fully I must teach it , so here goes!”
Sophie looked at the tray of food set before her, her hunger was now no longer a gnawing pain and her ability to digest food was growing with every day. She looked worriedly at the food and at the women and stood with the intention of serving .
” What are you doing ? ” a gentle voice asked .
” I thought that it would be nice to serve you, seeing as you have been so lovely to me . ” Sophie replied .
Jo-Anne’s warm strong hands gripped Sophie by the shoulders and gazed steadily and gently into her eyes. ” You are here on free land, at the Sanctuary, in the Centre of Healing. You are safe , you are connected to the ground and this group . You are safe to eat here.”
Sophie was confused and felt strange.
“I just wanted to do something nice for you,” she stammered, now more confused. Jo-Anne held Sophie strongly and slowly stroked her hair until she began to breathe more slowly. ” What you were feeling in response to feeling relaxed and happy was the trained in feeling that you must give and serve.”
Sophie shook her head. “No! I really wanted to do something for you- that’s all!”
She was crying with confusion now, her body shaking , small terrified sobs escaping from her, tears beginning to roll down her face.
” Now what are you feeling?” Jo-Anne asked. Sophie gulped back tears and tried to talk.
” My hearts beating fast, my stomach is all knotted tight, I feel scared ,like something bad is going to happen- and it’s my fault .
” This is why I didn’t let you serve the food, sweet one.”
Sophie looked confused.
Jo-Anne gave her a hot steaming honey sweetened cup of herbal tea and placed a blanket on her shoulders.
” Right now you are feeling panic which could lead to shock. So we need to keep you warm and feed you sweet tea to relax your insides. Your mind also needs warmth and sweetness lovely one. You are learning to feel your emotions. Because you have been abused and trained in trauma the first reactions you feel towards a situation are not actually your own . They are reactions built into your psyche by repetitive, abusive actions designed to hardwire a trauma response into your Mindscape .”
Sophie looked even more. Confused. Jo -Anne smiled warmly. ” We are born to manifest the glory of the Multiverse that is within us . It is not just in some of us , it is in everyone.”
She took Sophies hand and held it gently , a warm glow suffusing from her into the gently shaking child/woman.
” When you feel happy and relaxed the industry training short circuits your natural response to this. They beat you, burnt you, electrocuted and broke you so you would come to a place in your mind where only their needs and their happiness have dominion in your brain. To assist you to sit, relax and accept food, love and support without doing anything but being and feeling is the point of this exercise. You are safe, you are at the ground of the Sanctuary. You can
trust us and yourself more. You can fear less, you are safe . Feel your roots connecting with the ground. Feel Mother Earths energy flowing into you and filling your Base red energy centre.
Sophie concentrated and began to see flashes of red and feel a dull ache at the base of her pubic bone – a place where she had not felt at all for a good while…..
I offer these words as a beginning, as an inspiration to question our oldest learned responses. I send them out as a Challenge to us all. Dare we question what we have always known? could we heal the traumas of abuses so long past they are now just ‘ how we do things’? Is it possible that we could heal ourselves then begin to heal the World that we will pass on to Our children? Go on ! I dare you!!Xxxlovelaraxxx
I am my ancestors’ wildest dream
Therapy is not for the faint of heart! Therapy is the place where the individual warrior of a Family line faces all the traumas that her Ancestors suffered in silence and brings them into the light to be seen, heard, felt, forgiven and released.
As I delve deeper into the process of healing complex trauma I am beginning to accept that I have been existing in a state of high adrenaline alert in some parts of my disassociated self for a long time. It becomes obvious that my high metabolism is due to the anxiety high level of processing I have been doing all the time, without even knowing it!
It took the very beautiful and traumatic stillbirth of my Angel Benjammin Love on March 13th 2014, to make me consciously aware of how hard-shelled I had become about my own deep feelings and anyone’s ability to help me, as I was obviously terrible, horrible, bad and wrong. Or, so my inner sergeant major would tell me.
I have walked bravely into adventures of birth, death, sex, violence, chocolate, Love, Earth, Air, Fire, Water and Spirit, my whole 46 year life. I’ve always felt terrified but I’ve always been able to disassociate myself from the terror and just do whatever needs to be done to make the biggest Love and Joy possible.
I started going physically numb, brain racing , hands shaking , experiencing some not quite physical ,mental memory. Small things were huge, people talking but only making strange noises to my ears, again and again, thoughts bashing my self in about badness, wrongness, guilty, sinful, wickedness. I was terrified and now I was feeling it.
Over time and with my sturdy guide and therapist Sandra, I have begun to release the energetic charge of many lifetimes of experiences and traumas.
When I started voicing my Sergeant Major I realised that some of the words were too old for this life. I journeyed to my ancestors and asked them if I was carrying trauma from my family line and my Grandmothers told me yes. Not wanting to get stuck in wallowing in misfortune and historical oppression of Women by Men we can pretty much get that a Lara born 300 years ago( about 7 generations back) would be having a pretty hard time, what with the Christians, the rapings, the torture and the burnings.
I don’t need to still carry the charge of these experiences in my genetically-descended body. This time around, I’ve made it far enough to start to process the trauma, stored up from many generations, ever since the Women were stopped from bleeding and releasing together in a sacred circle.
When I practice Chakra clearing on, all of the times and ways I have been used and abused, the visions around my Solar Plexus Chakra come thick and fast.
I’m an old woman; lost, alone, cold, hungry – in pain; physical and mental, knowing I am going to die and knowing that the powers that were making it so were so so so wrong.
I felt her, I smelt her, I was her and I released her, and she was gone and at peace.
Waking each day in a state of terror and then activating the self-love of drinking warm cider vinegar for my digestion and doing salute to the sun and yoni yoga for my body , then some tapping and affirmations to calm my mind , and eating fruit and chocolate-filled porridge for my energy and nervous system – it’s a process of self-love that I still feel unworthy of most days . But I know it’s trauma talking when my brain says ‘why are you doing this stupid hippie stuff? ‘ because by the time I’ve finished my routine the voice and terror are gone and I feel nourished, calm connected and Loved ( and I don’t mind so much that I had to get up an hour earlier to fit it all in before working!)
I imagine a life-time where I was taught self-love and self-care at school, at home, as part of my daily life, as normal stuff that everyone knows and practices. I imagine how we would all treat ourselves, each other and the awesome planet that we live on, if care for the amazing beings we are was our first thought each day.
We are descendants of stolen, raped women and invading men; we are the descendants of slaves, serfs, villains, servants, labourers and soldiers; we have been starved, beaten and trained to do as we are told without question for at least the last 500 years – maybe even 1000!
We are all waking up; our children are showing us that simply obeying is no longer possible! The special educational needs of children in the 20 years since state schools stopped caning and hitting children to obey and be quiet, are now off the scale!
Our children are showing and inspiring us with the new language they have generated with their behaviour. The oppositional defiance, the attention deficit, the dyslexic, dyspraxic, the Asbergers( did you know asberger diem in Latin means divinity? ) the Autism ….. there are more , I don’t know them all , there will be more as the older generations attempt to put labels on the higher evolved version of humanity that they are still trying to educate into an outdated system that only serves a select few.
We are evolving and every action of self-care and self-love that questions the authority that calls us consumers is a step towards a new brighter future for the next 7 generations. This work is confusing and tiring, accepting that some things we have always known to be true may be wrong, or just simply no longer appropriate is hard and scary for some – and it’s exhausting! Some of us will give up and just turn on the telly and open another beer to go with our Big Mac, some of us will keep on, tiny action by tiny action, new thought by new thought, grains of sand gradually growing to a huge beach.
For all of us, wherever we are in our evolution I offer the blue diamond meditation.
Blue diamond meditation
Sit or lie down and close eyes, breathe deeply 3-5 times, accepting the breath in through the nose and releasing the breath through the mouth.
Focus your intention on the place that your little finger touches when you place your hand flat sideways on your chest, top finger in the dip between your collarbone.
That little finger place is a good place to tap to focus your energy. Some people call it your Thymus ( I might have spelled it wrong!)
So now imagine a blue diamond in that place. I imagine a twelve-sided shape; a dodecadron, with lines going from the centre ( I like drawing them! It’s two six pointed stars or 4 triangles on top of each other!) then I let the lines go down into a point at the bottom and then it glows light blueish .
Once you’ve imagined and seen your blue diamond, with a breath send one up above your head into the sky, and one below your feet into the Earth.
Keep breathing deeply and letting the diamond glow!!
Now set the Earth diamond below your feet spinning in an anti clockwise direction, allow this action to open the floodgates for all that no longer serves you to be released into the earth to be composted, and recycled to create positive energy in the Multiverse.
Now, set the blue diamond above your head spinning clockwise and allow this action to open up the Connection in your crown chakra to allow the positive energy of the Multiverse to flow into you replenishing you and healing you, giving you energy, strength love and the ability to laugh!
Breathe deep and allow the process of releasing and acceptance to flow through the Blue diamonds and your spiritual physical body.
When you feel full and cleansed, now with a breath expand a blue diamond from your thymus best place so that the blue diamond is now all around you like a superhero special diamond multi faceted shield and extra sensitive skin!
Now allow your consciousness to allow the possibility of all the beings on Earth all having their own blue diamond and all of them connected across the planet , connecting , loving , energising, creating.
Breathe deep and allow yourself to feel how this connection really feels. Let yourself smile, breathe deep, give thanks to all that is, which includes yourself. Wiggle your fingers nose ears and toes and open your eyes.
If you can write or speak about how you feel straight away the experience will solidify into your experience more solidly and the meditation will come easier next time. I suggest trying it twice a week and seeing what the effects are.
I would love to hear from you about your experiences!!!
I can only speak about my own experiences because that is what I know to be true for me. I don’t think I have answers for everything, I do hope that my experiences can be an inspiration for others stepping forward into their own healing journey, and I would love to hear fyou!ou ! This is an exciting time and we are all part of humanity’s evolution! So let’s get on it !!!!
WE ARE OUR ANCESTORS WILDEST DREAMS Xxxlovelaraxxx
So here I am! Fresh out of this weeks therepy session with a book to read too!!! Pete Walkers ‘ From surviving to thriving,’ It’s quite shocking to finally start to accept that the monsters in my mind could actually be symptoms of unprocessed trauma! It’s very hard to accept that my ‘perfect’ childhood created the traumas that I am now actively healing ! I love my Mum and Dad and I love the happy memories of my childhood and wish to forever keep them shiny gold in my mind to see and cuddle whenever times are hard ! I love you Mum and Dad and THANKYOU for all the love and support you have given me my whole life !!!!
Right, that’s the truth from one aspect of my mind , now here it is from another direction. I grew up In a small town with working parents who both began work at 16 and worked every day and paid taxes until they were 70! They believed fully in the paradigm in which they lived and wanted nothing more than for their daughter to be normal! They had me!!!! Born bum first at least 2 months early and bright yellow! No time for any pain relief and no nurses present just Mum and Dad and little yellow me!!! Obviously very quickly I was whisked away to an incubator and fed on formula , it was 1973! My mum was a good girl and ‘just did as she was told’ even when they told her she was not allowed to breastfeed me cos I was too small and didn’t let my parents touch me for 2 months !
They used to stand at a window and wave at their little yellow baby !
I was in the glass box , not touched by anyone’s skin !
Only pricked by needles and fed by bottles!
I was alive ! And after too many miscarriages an alive baby was a cause for celebration , no one would ever question the way the doctors and nurses decided I should be treated, that’s just normal!!!!
Until 2 years ago I have spent my whole life feeling that there was a barrier between me and ‘normal people’ separate because of my oddness and not normal ness , hearing my families wishes that I could just be normal and having no idea why I wasn’t or how I could be so!
I spend a lot of time working out how to connect with people and how to not be too connected with people. It’s really all or nothing with me ! Either you are never getting past my firewall or you are all the way in and I have no boundaries and we are one ! Its very bi polar and over the last few years I have been working on the origins of this personal phenomenon.
At my sons birthday a couple of years ago I told my mum about the work I’d been doing on this particular piece of my personal healing story , my Aunty gruffly Pooh poohed me and told me that I was weird , but I soldiered on and told my mum the whole journey. When I’d finished she was crying happy tears and said ‘ I always knew you would be the one to start to heal all this stuff!’ Love you Mum! You always support me even though your trained ‘ do as you are told’ Mind wants to Judge me like my Aunty does. But me and mum are connected by Love , Love we have built over 46 years of confusion separation judgement and conditionings .
So the journey I told my mum about was this:
I had been at a midwife conference and was feeling very alienated and alone , like the weirdo , with no one to talk to or hang out with. I knew this was a triggered response because in reality I was truly loved by many at the midwife conference and I had many friends there . But here I was alone isolated and wobbly. I sat by a big window and allowed my mind to form a journey, I breathed deep , felt my roots delve deep into the ground and my branches reach high into the sky. I strengthened my Golden bubble around me and called my guides and ancestors to me . I set my intentions:
‘ I intend to journey to the middle realm into my own physical past , to meet with me as a baby and heal any traumas that occurred then. ‘ I breathed deep, visualised my tree, walked toward it and settled myself at its roots in my minds eye. I stated my intention one more time and allowed my mind self to melt into the trunk of the tree. I called my dragon Erin and Grandmother Spider to me and together we journeyed to my baby self in the incubator.
I stood watching baby me as she called for her mama who never came , I then understood my own self soothing , I’ll do it myself then , headspace because either I learned that then or I would have died from abandonment and grief! I then took a step towards the incubator and felt my breasts tingle! I Knew what I had to do! I picked baby me out of the box and I breastfeed! It was amazing, I could feel baby me feeding and learning that there was more Connection and more hope! After a while of feeding and singing and stroking, I put baby Lara back in her box , gave thanks and journeyed back to my body .
As I said my Mum cried when I told her , even though what I did and said was totally alien to my Mums trained way of thinking ,even though journey work is definitely ‘weird’ my Mums Eternal Soul heard some truth and blessed It with her tears of relief and Love .
Since then I feel a greater connection to my loved ones and I am more able to have healthy boundaries and observe when I feel disconnected.
I know that we are all here on our very individual journeys, healing learning transforming and creating. Each time we open our minds to our traumas and allow ourselves to begin to heal we heal the traumas for all our relations.
This is not gonna be easy and it definitely is not gonna be comfortable but there is no growth in the comfort zone so right now when all the traumas of life are showing themselves right now is the best time to take a step and begin to heal! For me the healing path involves journey work , yoga, bubbles, writing, FireSpinning and energetic therapy sessions . I invite everyone to find out what heals You and to get involved!!!! And as we heal our insides gradually our outsides will heal too! And then whatever happens we will be able to face it ! Fully real and fully now! blessed be! Xxxlovelaraxxx
So here I am a week after the beautiful birth of a wild free baby . I’m the capable support and older , calmer , competent cook , driver , cleaner and sorter. I’m there to let the Mum and Dad relax into their Connection and relationship with their Son. I do the little everyday stuff that will be happening the same for the next few years like , washing up, bin emptying, recycling, laundry, tidying up , shopping, driving etc. I’m not here because the family can’t do it themselves, I’m here so they can focus on the beginning of their baby’s life and learn how to communicate and cooperate, with each other surfing and growing the massive rush of Oxytocin that they all felt as the baby was born.
It’s a brilliant invisible and fully seen job. It’s a job for a person who knows their worth but also is humble enough to know that they are just doing what needs to be done and that these jobs could be done by anyone. The best thing to hear is when the family state that they are doing it themselves! The worst is when they say that they couldn’t have done it without you! Amazing, invisible and easily replaceable is how I love to be ! What I do is not rocket science , just practical love-filled everyday magic.
I’m glad to be able to do this part of my birth assistant job just before I start this winters therapy proper. It reminds me of my skills and my Souls purpose. It also reminds me that I am brave and courageous and that I can do many things , so healing myself is definitely a possibility!!!!
This week my session was mostly about dropping energetic charges from the abusive relationship I was in in my twenties and thirties. We used kinesiology muscle testing to pinpoint the emotions that needed release and then utilised Anne Jensens HeartSpeak to actually move them on. The feeling of needing to fight was felt ,released and then balanced by knowing . Then my feeling of sadness we searched for felt and balanced with peace . It’s such an amazing thing to feel the feelings and not connect them to any one story . To allow the feelings to actually be felt and to then let the balancing feeling grow until all is well and balanced.
Once we had done this process I felt I needed to make my emotional boundary with my old partner strong so I visualised my amazing golden sparkling bubble and I tapped the side of my hand until it was very strong. I felt very calm and empowered and I knew what I needed to do next . I needed to clear the residue of all of this from my chakras, I told Sandra this and she agreed gently supporting me as I gave birth to my own mental and physical healing process. I’m not gonna detail my process here but what I do offer is an exerpt from my new novel ‘The Story‘ which is a book set in 2118bc with a girl called Sha-la and in 2118ad with a girl called Sophie , the book follows Sha-la in the past as she readies herself for her First Imbolc Full Moon egg ritual, and Sophie in the future as she heals herself from the terrors of the ‘ one true god industry’ . The book is written in the style of Dion Fourtune, where the reader becomes the characters so Experiences the healings and evolutions as and alongside the characters at the same time.
Sophie lay awake knowing that sunrise was still a while away. She rose from her sleeping place in the Red Tent and walked to the opening in the scarves that lead to the outside world. She gently parted the scarves and allowed herself to walk naked outside into the nearly full moon starlit night. The warm night Air kissed her skin, mixed with the twinkling of the stars so Sophies whole body reaction was one of physical excitement and stimulation. She observed herself, feeling her feelings and feeling her body‘s reaction to the warmth and wetness of the rolling mists rising around her . Sophie smiled at herself , ‘feeling’ ,she was no longer shocked and astonished that she had feelings, however she was now in a place of gentle amusement that it ever been possible for her to have to have existed without feeling. As she let her hands stroke her skin she marvelled at the gentle electric shocks of skin touching skin and let this new gentle form of contact open her Heart and Mind. For a second all was bliss and beauty , then she was there, hands holding her down, the bright lights, the pain…..
It was different now, she saw the situation, and knew it for past memory, not present experience and breathed her Mind once more into the present. Sophie felt her body and realised that her new ‘feelings’ held the key to her being able to clear this past memory ‘present invader’ She moved her hands once more over her pelvis filling her hands and mind with as much soft and gentleness as she could , her body jerked and her mind began to jerk too , but, she stayed in this Here and Now with her Mind and now only her body was in the physically held past. Sophie placed one of her hands on her pelvis and the other one above her head, where the Angel said her crown energy wheel sits . She formulated the statement in her mind.
“All the ways that I have been invaded, used and abused.”
She said it out loud and then breathed in and out through her Roots then her Branches , then her Heart. Three times seemed good and felt right, so Sophie continued down the Rainbow Energy Wheels of her body, Crown, Brow, Chin , Throat, Heart left and right, Solar Plexus, Centre Pelvis , Left and Right Pelvis , Root front and back. At each energy centre she paused and felt the old held terror energy begin to move. At her throat she felt to yawn loads and was reminded that the Sacred Breaths Are The Yawn , the Burp the Laugh , the fart and the Sigh. At her heart she felt strong pains like broken bones and felt sick as they ached . As her hands came close to her Pelvis Centre she felt a deep terror come over her. Silently calling for help to her Angel , Sophie continued.
“All the ways I have been invaded used and abused.”
The blackball of terror , lodged so long in her Pelvis bloped and burped and began to move somewhere else. She breathed deep and allowed ‘that which does not serve ‘ to leave. Immediately her body convulsed in spasms of heaving. Sophie spewed everything out, leaving a black tarry mess on the grass. She stood up and gathered herself in once more, her attention now on the Left and Right sides of her Pelvis. She said her statement, breathed and then observed what came up. The unfathomable darkness and endless nothingness, emptied and filled her pelvis. In one breath in, she felt all that had ever been felt and held there. In the next breath out all was released, leaving a clear empty space. Sophie fought to keep her mind on her healing mission, breathing in the light from Her Crown and Roots and breathing out all that doesn’t serve. She called herself inwards to stay close and gradually filled the empty space with Light and Breath. Sophie realised that she was now sitting down and that the pile of shiny slime had now soaked into the dew covered Earth. She sat marvelling in her newly learned skills and then from behind her she heard the Angels voice, soaring and peeking like the beautiful Birds in subtle sunrise light. This is Heaven. Sophie thought to herself .This is Now where I only feel the emotions and feelings of Now. This body whose only memory is this Sunrise, is Mine !
The Angel’s voice toned and intoned until Sophie could almost see the Golden Bubble all around, her .As she finished singing Jo-anne chimed her finger symbols and gently Sophie once again felt her own body in the Here and Now.
“Well done lovely one!” Joanne nodded towards Sophie. “ I see you have been practising the Chakra Energy Release Technique I showed you. Your colours look much clearer than they did yesterday. “Yes.” replied Sophie.
“I’m beginning to recognise what is Me and what is stored memory. It is very interesting and confusing.”
I’d love to hear your opinions and experiences with the book and the healing processes. Please contact me and together we will all heal from our collective and individual pasts and then on clear sturdy foundations we will begin to create a new future for the next 7 generations ! Xxxlovelaraxxx
Feeling the fear… love, anger and joy!
I’ve lived a very exciting life so far! I’ve taken responsibility and walked my walk far and wide speaking my truth, standing firm and activating Peace and Love wherever I can. It’s definitely not always been easy and some of my experiences I would not wish on anyone! I have said more than once that I am glad that my life is happening to me because I know I can cope and I won’t have to deal with it happening to someone else!
For a long time, from at least my early twenties, that’s 26 years! I have always not ‘done’ fear. I decided that I would face everything with Love, and fear could just jog on! I have awesome disassociation skills and have always put the fear at the back of the line when dealing with life and its myriad of mentalnesses!
Yep, I have always had a volatile temper and I have been the one to shout and throw stuff! Yes, I have bullies in my head telling me I’m shit when I make mistakes or I can’t cope with normal everyday stuff like reading numbers, knowing the date/time knowing my left from my right. Fortunately, I live in the West and it’s 2018! So this means I have enough privilege to find my skills and balance out my disabilities, I’m lucky enough that someone decided that numerexia, dyspraxia and ADHD, are all just different ways to process information and I am lucky enough to be able to read and gradually process the fact that I’m not stupid and useless – I’m actually just a person whose brain works in its own special way, just like everyone else!
So some of my skills that help me to be a brilliant Birth, Life and Death assistant are my abilities to feel my feelings but also put them aside so I can support whoever needs support for Birth, Life and Death.
This is the thing that I could not do for 2 years after the death and birth of my son Angel-Benjammin Love. I could not put down my grief , I felt broken and lost , could no longer serve and could not feel anything except grief and confusion.
People phoned me to ask me to support births but I couldn’t. After two years two close friends called me to support them and I tentatively said yes. Both births happened naturally and healthily before I arrived and I was actually glad to not have been in the birth-space, still not sure of how I would react! I did aftercare, cooking, cleaning and childcare and felt a bit more like my real self .
The next two years I supported women over the phone who had had stillbirths and also women who were about to have stillbirths. This was sad and challenging. however, the women all seemed empowered and healed by the fact that I was alive and that even though I had been through a mother’s nightmare I was still able to function and be with them. It gave them hope and I was glad to serve them in their dark times.
I was then asked to support 2 births of women who I did not know very well. I did support them and each Birth ended with a live child and mother, however both births were instrumental and surgical and were very traumatic for all involved, me included! I had to call in help from my tribe who reminded me that I cannot make anyone do anything I can only provide access to information and support the birth story as it unfolds. The babies are two years old now and the families are happy and growing strong. As am I, as I walk this path of self-healing!
In my last blog, I let people know that I am beginning a course of therapy for Complex Post Traumatic Stress. Even though I’m not starting the deep stuff until January when I will be safely housed on my new boat, which is being built at the moment. I am still going to weekly sessions and learning some first aid to help with the feelings that I have not ever really felt before.
A month ago, a friend who I have known since she was 7 asked me to be with her as she birthed. She was estranged from her mother and had moved to a new town so had minimal support. I went and visited her and her partner and they seemed young, healthy, strong and capable. They planned to birth in hospital and I would come to offer support during early labour and after when they returned from hospital. All was clear and I felt confident I could support these young members of my heart family tribe.
I came to visit delivering extra food blankets and towels , making sure all was in place for the birth . They were given a due date of 5th Nov and so by 1st Nov all was ready. We planned to meet up on the 3rd Nov at 9 am to go to a car boot sale and get some wishes like a rocking chair and some nice plants! At 6.30 am I got a call saying Lea was in labour and could I come over. I was given a lift by my Syzygy Jim.
Sitting in the van, I felt something. I realised that it was fear! I’m still not used to feeling fear so for a bit I was confused. I then worked out what was going on and I tapped myself and gave myself rescue remedy until the fear subsided. I know that it’s my job to emote love and create oxytocin’ in the birth-space so I was now concentrated on the ability to put my fear aside so I could whomp up enough oxytocin to support the family before they went to hospital.
When I got there, I took a moment at the door to breathe deep and place all that was my stuff at the door. I also asked the Goddess/God to be with me and work through me to support this family however they needed me too. I opened the door to the baby being born into its father’s hands!!!! I heard the baby cry and saw the placenta be born into a big cuddle of love. I made hot choc and gave out rescue remedy and contacted the local midwives to come and check the awesome new family.
It was a beautiful amazing experience and I learned that even though now I’m actually feeling my fear I can still put it aside to support and serve birthing families.which is my calling and choice!
I was questioned angrily and deeply by one of my friends who is healing from deep trauma and was told how lucky we all were that everything had gone well. I sat with the thoughts and feelings for a long time and then cleared a statement through my chakras which was “All the times and all the ways that I have been persecuted for supporting self-responsibility “.
I know first hand that some births do not end with a live baby or mother. I still stand firm that each family deserves their right to be supported in love not directed by fear, so I will always stand and support self-responsibility and praise it. Regardless of the outcome.
This week with my therapist she showed me a new emotion technique, which balances emotions.
I decide which emotion to feel and check with muscle testing what is relevant. I chose anger which is balanced by joy and fear which is balanced by Love. I began by sitting in a pose that symbolised my anger. Fists up, shoulders tense, jaw set, eyes flaming. I sat and felt the anger within me with no trigger point, no Story to connect it to, I searched in me for all the anger and I felt it’s burning flame in me able to do anything! When I could find no more I put my hands in my lap and let them rest palm upwards. Then Sandra directed me to feel joy, the feeling of the new family welled up inside me and I felt the golden joy flow from me and surround me. It was a brilliant thing to just feel.
Next, we did fear! I put up my knees and wrapped my arms around them and squeezed my eyes shut and went for it ….urghhhh! A massive cold terror gripped me, my heart almost stopped and I felt numb and freezing at the same time! Tears poured down my face and I was useless spineless and broken. A black tightness in my base gradually rose up through my chakras gripping each one with cold mean harsh tension right up to my head which felt like it was being crushed! I kept searching and finally I could feel no more so Sandra directed me to put my hands on my lap and to now open out to Love. I tentatively opened my heart and suddenly all cold was gone and a red-gold glow was shining in my heart space warming my whole body, my cheeks felt flushed and I could feel the warmth of love in my Base gradually rising up through my chakras ending at my head which now was filled with warmth and a radiance that felt calm and comfortable.
I was totally surprised at how horrible fear actually feels and I was interested to see that I felt I was going to die if I even tried to fight! I was also interested at how easy it was to move into love and joy after feeling anger and fear. I’m going to practice this weekly because I feel that I need some more practice at actually feeling feelings with no reactionary story behind them. I’m fully up for feeling fear until I know it as intimately as Love because then I will be very able to spot myself when I am panicking and I will be able to make it clear to others what is going on for me.
I reckon panic attacks and triggers are the first steps on a monumental healing journey that we are all on.
Each experience gives us more information and insight into our own physical mental stories and needs. We are learning new skills and our pasts have led us to this point where we can begin to actually heal! This is a challenge and it will not be easy but I reckon Now is the time and it’s way more fun than being bored!!!! Big love to all you Warrior clan of Love! Let’s make a new world!!!!! Let’s heal!!!!! Xxxlovelaraxxx