Tears are good.
Crying is what I have mostly been doing this week ! Crying and letting my head get really tangled up with layers of thoughts that attack me and all I am . A clever person would have used the things I have learned so far from my therapist Sandra , I would have tapped , breathed , held my chakras , spoke my mantras , practiced some yoga , written something. But no, I just curled up in a mental ball and hid from anything that could have helped .
I’m still alive ! Yay! However something has died in me and now I feel sad and weak.The Sargent Major is still here and now it seems she is louder than ever , I’ve removed some numbness and shock and now here she is ready to berate me ! I do my best to not respond but I don’t manage it and if I try to just let it be she turns into a wholesale attack of me and all I am . This harsh critic feels very alien to me and very deeply held . She is wishes to tell me that I have always been bad lazy and useless and that is why I never succeed at anything and that is why I will never be happy or safe in my own home .
I listen to her but am very aware of the words always and never , because in my life experiences I know that sometimes I have been good and helpful and sometimes I have been happy and safe , so her rant at me begins to seem not as reality based as she would have me believe.
How to free myself from the harsh critic? Firstly know that this is a piece of me that feels scared and is trying in its own weird way to protect me ! Hard to stomach , complicated to process
But not actually as right and unquestionable as she first presents .
I breathe deep and I thank her for her opinions and I thank her for being here to keep me safe . I then breathe deeply a bit more , let my eyes rest on some nature and just breathe in the beauty of the sky and the earth , possibly a blade of grass .
For most days this week I have only managed half of this action then I have just fallen into doing my weekly jobs with half of my head ranting at me whilst my disassociated other half has cleaned people’s houses and sorted their boats to tidy . Thankfully these jobs can be done in a disassociated state and if I don’t say then no one notices.
Being a being being is like a scene from the matrix film . When me and my Now collides with the social constructs around me I am glad that I have at least learned to not say everything to everyone. I sit observing and listening ,doing my best to not judge or negatively react . My conglomerate of opinions and views mix with the scenes before me and I can only draw on my sense of humour to save me from deep confusion and despair.
This seems like the best course of action because to really take any of this material reality seriously would be too silly, when so much is so ridiculous!
I get that I’ve had some traumatic experiences and that I was in delayed shock about them . The trauma gets triggered and then I am in a negative thought spiral until I notice and allow tenderness and kindness to touch me again.
Thankfully I’m in a therapy process at the moment so I am able to take these triggers and observations to Sandra and we can kinesiology test my muscles to get to the root of these negative thought patterns .
This week the testing showed up that my Sargent major Lara assassin is based in my old deep wounding from my childhood. As soon as we got this answer I started to cry, so frustrated that it has been 40 years since the Traumatic events but they still are haunting my brain and my life .. we started the ‘Ask and receive ‘ process which sounds and looks like this :
ORIGINAL STATEMENT OF WHAT YOU DESIRE:
“My body knows how to ______” (insert a positive affirmation or what you want to heal and release.) Then insert your desired statement in the blank below in Step 1 of the Ask and Receive Steps.
Follow with the A&R Steps 2-5.
ASK & RECEIVE STEPS:
1. “There is a part of my being that already knows how to __________.” 2. “That part of my being is willing to inform the rest of me now.”
3. “It is doing so now with grace and ease.”
4. “ This trauma , all its roots and all its connections are now being released. My mind, body, and spirit are receiving this information.”
5. “Information transfer is now complete.”
Go thru the whole process then sit , breathing deeply at the end of step 5 , observing what thoughts and feelings come up. Then add the new thought that has come up to the original statement . Repeat the process 5 times and see where you are .
I then allowed some celebration that some old held stuff was finally released and I cemented my new free mind with a positive statement that I breathed into my chakras from Base to Crown
Mine was “ I am resplendent in my magnifitude” which I am today very able to believe yay!
Please try the process and see how you get on! I would love to hear from you about your experiences! We can do this! Xxxlovelaraxxx
It’s Angel Benjammins death day on Tuesday and birthday on Wednesday not sure brain can do the website thing this week so here’s the writing anyway ! Arghhhhhhh! Any extra love fully appreciated! Xxxlovelaraxxx
Emotion Perception Trauma Connection.
This week I have not been the best version of myself, or have I ? This week I did not ‘Hold it down ‘ This week I ‘Lost it.’
What do I do when this happens ? I shout , I yell , I fight to be heard . I basically do everything possible to make sure what I really want to say has no chance of getting heard above shouting me.
My nerves are raw and most of my mind body and soul seems to be screaming getoutgetoutgetout!
How I feel is how I feel , what I perceive is what I perceive. Or is it?
Therapy so far has made me aware of trauma based reactions in my thinking processes . It’s possible that what I think I’m seeing and feeling is not my actual reality but something my trauma has overlayed on what’s actually happening. Still with me ?
The thought and possibly of this reality stretches my brain so it feels a bit like silly putty. It’s not comfortable and stable. It’s moving and moulding new structures , it’s questioning what I’ve always known to be true .
Is it possible that I am loved and supported and that I can trust that I will always get what I need in the perfect time in the perfect way. Is it possible that the experiences of the past that have lead me to believe that life is not trustworthy and that I am to be abandoned because of my badness ,could be released from my Mind Body and Soul.
The arguments and violence negativity and separation all feel so familiar. Even if the feelings aren’t pleasant at least they are familiar. And this is what I am working on releasing ! Releasing the long held beliefs of my badness and wrongness, my craziness my madness.
Taking a step back when shouting happens in me or someone else . Stopping and breathing, walking away and allowing tensions to relax , peace to settle, before any other communications commence.
Really noticing how I feel and taking the time to be kind to myself when I freak out . Trusting the people I have around me are willing and able to hold me safe while I reconnect my Mind Body and Soul , clearing out the out moded programs and stories , making space so I can reveal myself to myself and create my reality for me .
I’m not the easiest person to live with and love at the moment. My oldest friends tell me that I never have been and they love all of me no matter what , so I keep this truth at the core of me and no matter how ‘High Maintainence ‘ I am presenting as I trust and believe that ( I tap my sternum whilst I say this )
“Even tho , I still lose my temper and react in ways that I do not feel at peace with,
I still , truely and deeply ,
Love Honour , Cherish and Respect Myself.
All parts of myself, including my totally justified anger and rage .
And I ask for help in healing ,
And I give thanks that it is happening. “
And when it’s still hard and I’m crying and confused I hold my head back and front and I say ,
“There is. A part of me , that knows how to release all this Anger and Rage . All it’s , roots and all it’s connections to my soul in all lives and times.
This part of me it informing the rest of me now , and it’s doing it with ease and grace .
Information download complete!”
The work in progress , my conscious mind , the clearing out of the trauma barriers and blockages between it’s connection to my Body and Soul Is heavy hard going work with moments of majesty and whole eternities of hellish terror.
It’s all in my mind . And now I see it , up front , no frills , bare raw pain trauma and terror , dampened down for a lifetime to fit into an idea of what I am. I see it and with a courageous heart I step into the little known. I peel back the layers of my onion to find that core of Peace Love and Joy inside me and together we celebrate as we sort out the rubbish , ready to compost what I don’t need anymore to feed the small saplings of my newly found self . Xxxlovelaraxxx
I’m manifesting a floating home out of others castoffs and generosity. It’s not easy ! Especially whilst going deep into my self with 6 months energetic therapy !
Last week someone whose known me awhile told me that if all the good I’d already done in the world came back to me all at once this is what it would look like .
So great to have someone’s outside eye on my being, because from inside my head ,me doing good has always been me doing stuff so I won’t be abandoned, so people will accept me , so I will be allowed to exist even though I am so so so so so bad , wrong and terrible!
Hang on ! My extra bit of brain calls to me . Look around you again, see the help that you are receiving, see the support around you . This is the support that someone needs if they are going to drag themselves up out of the depths of grief and trauma.
I have been cleaning the front deck , entrance to the Love Boat , this morning. There is dust and sawdust , flakes of paint , mud and rust. I know I have to sweep and clean it all back then chip off any flakes of rust and sand it off. Then I can paint on the rust converter which will stop the rust going in deeper by literally changing the oxidising of the metal into rust !
It’s brilliant stuff ! And as I chip away at the old bits of rust and mud and moss I realise that the process of my therapy is very much the same .
I’ve been covering up my rusty bits and ignoring them for as long as I can remember. I believed that these bits were in me because I was inherently bad and I deserved the pain and terror I have felt , just living a ‘normal ‘ life . I believed it was all my fault and that I was damaged, disordered and broken .
Bless Angel Benjammin for showing me that life is more than just damping down and fronting up! Thanks be to him and all my awesome family and friends who held me fast to this life and refused to let me go . They knew I was supposed to be here , they could see me underneath the rust and the dirt of my life experiences. They shouted loud enough so even me, so disassociated and half in the land of the dead with my baby , could still hear them .
They all , and their Love were the dustpan and brush that swept the wreckage of my fake life away. Their love and support helped me to see that many of my brains processes were damaged and some totally broken . Together with MEET , Sandra and my awesome Angel gang, Angel Benjammin, Billie Rose , Nanna Ivy , Granny Ethel and Ben I have been chipping away at the gathering moss and rust , I have been wiping clean the surroundings and creating a clean smooth surface for converting the last remaining bits of rust .
Interestingly when I’ve painted the rust converter on not all the surfaces are smooth anymore. The straight edges of the angle iron are a bit wobbly now . There are pits and patterns in the metal , forming shapes and patterns. But now the rust is no longer penetrating deeper . It has stopped and is now a memory as I look at the patterns that it’s process has left .
It’s obvious that there has been rust , and even as I paint onto the pitted now blue metal l know that if I ignore any rust bits they will finally eat through the hull and sink me !
So this is me cleaning, sweeping, washing , converting and painting. Being relentless with my attention to bringing out any old dirt and moss , knowing that a thorough job now will give me a really firm foundation to build on and a deep physical energetic knowledge that where I am is firm and clear and real .
It’s obvious to me, we in this paradigm of the last 2000 years have suffered trauma and been eaten away . Now we have the opportunity to clean back all that we have ignored and covered up . Now, we have the chance to glorify in the patterns we have gathered. To shine them up , paint them brightly and be proud of our process! Xxxlovelaraxxx
Pain , less
I’m having strange waking experiences, my morning mourning has changed shape . Mentally I’m still wrestling with the concept that anything has been amiss these last 4 disassociated years . Especially as now some of these ways of being that I am so used to have now begun to be conspicuous by their absence.
The feelings I am feeling are relaxing to my body and mind . I feel the sun on my face and I am actually happy and thankful to be alive . I think it , I feel it , I am living it .
“Yeah yeah Lara “, my harsh brain tuts at me ,
“Just like everyone else , what’s the big fuss , just get on and stop being so melodramatic.”
Then I do something new , something I would never dare to do in my life before Angel Benjammin and Energetic Therapy .
“THANKYOU!” I say to my harsh critic , I bring her in closer , I mentally hug her and accept her where she is .
“ It’s ok to feel this stuff now , you don’t have to keep me safe , it’s the right time for feeling emotions now , I’m safe , I’m supported and I can cope . THANKYOU for keeping me safe when I could not cope , THANKYOU for holding me when the world was dangerous and all around me were dangerous people . Right now I am safe and right now it’s time to feel . So let’s hold hands and feel together.”
I mentally take the hand of my loyal soldier , I accept her as part of me and together we explore how it feels to be Lara , waking up in 2019 .
It’s gentle, my stomach is soft , no rigid terror clamps my baby empty middle, no grey sadness muddies my mind . I’m warm and safe , I know because it smells and sounds safe and no one is grabbing or dragging me .Just this is enough to spark off a thought of “ This is unusual, this feels strange ….”
However instead of this thought spiralling into panic , I sit with it , I feel deeper and revel in the softness , the warm ness , the whole body mind soul feelingness.
I’m reminded of my therapy session the day before and then remember what we worked on .
Most people who have known me for this last 7 year cycle would assume that the big Traumatic event in my life that I need help to process would be the stillbirth of Angel Benjammin at 38 weeks and bleeding to death afterward. However this is not so .
Angel Benjammins Birth was a gift . The extremeness of the event drew my family and friends towards me and opened a tiny hole , cracked a tiny chip into the blackness and darkness that had covered me for as long as I can remember.
Once, I was happy and free , at some point my experiences taught me that I was bad and that I deserved badness because I was bad and my badness was responsible for all the badness I experience.
Logically this is obviously not true , however the rules we make for ourselves when we are making sense of the world make sense at the time and later on we just forget that we ever made that decision. And logic did not make these rules , trauma and fear did!
I and many other people I have met and spoken with are aware that within our minds is a harsh critic, a sergeant major , a loyal soldier , keeping us on the straight and narrow , making sure we do not behave in a way that will get us punished , hurt , abandoned or beaten again.
So here we are , just circling again and again, within triggered trauma reactions to others behaviours. Always right but always ending in a loveless, sad, possibly violent confusion .
Reset , it takes courage , it takes persistence, maybe life has to get so bad that there is no other choice but to change . Example , your baby is dead and pretty soon if you don’t let someone help you you are gonna bleed to death!
Extreme , but that’s what it took , that is what finally cracked open my hard shell that had disassociated me from my feelings and me mattering for so long .
And that black hard shell was what we observed ,changed and let go in therapy this Tuesday morning. .
AIT is an energetic therapy , Alternative Intergrative Therapy is it’s science name , I call it the Chakra clearing one . I say a statement whilst holding one hand where I feel the statement the most , in this instance in my centre Pelvis energy centre , the other hand starts at the top of my head Crown energy centre and as I say the statement I breathe and release any energy residue out and down thru my body . This time the statement was “The belief that I am bad and I deserve bad things “
I say the statement breathe in and out 3 times , feel what comes up then move my hand down to my next energy centre ,on my forehead then repeat the statement , breathe, release, observe, then The Chin, Throat , Heart , left Heart , right Heart, Solar Plexus , centre Pelvis, right Pelvis , left Pelvis , Root front and Root behind . Then I place my hands in my lap and I observe what comes up .
When I first did AIT on the trauma surrounding Angel Benjammins Birth I was surprised how separated from feeling I felt , I could see myself in a bubble but I was ok , just I observing my situation not touched by feeling , then as we explored and found my shell and its roots then I began to feel . My Angel gang Angel Benjammin, Billie Rose , Ben , Nanna Ivy And Granny Ethel all moved in close , they helped me stay in my body and experience and release these feelings and the buried experiences that caused my belief in my own badness and my thought that I deserved no help .
An hour passed in what seemed like 5 minutes but also my whole life played out and reset itself , we had been in a truly timeless moment.
And this morning I awoke , with no pain and no terror . I am waking up from my disassociated existence and beginning to truly feel and be alive once again!
Gentle joy and peaceful existence is now possible. So gently does it , Me feeling, is new , but I like it and I intend to do more ! Blessed I am !
I send this out to us all . Our time is now and our feelings matter . Be brave try something new , you never know you might finally start to know what it feels like to be free instead if just wishing it!!!! Big big love! You are AMAZING! Xxxlovelaraxxx
I woke up slowly this morning. I’ve worked to make the morning after therapy a time for gentleness for Lara . Today was a blessing, a much needed blessing.
I woke slowly , then with a start as I realised something was different, weird , odd, not as it usually is. I checked myself bodily and mentally and then it dawned on me what was odd……
The usual feeling of trauma, tight knotted stomach, heart beating fast , was not there! I checked again almost causing myself to panic because the feeling of peace as I woke was so unfamiliar. But I stayed in the place in this feeling of peace , and as I sat with it, remembering that it is possible to feel like this , I realised that something else was as missing…. the heaviness, the sadness ….. again I was filled with a most unfamiliar but not totally alien feeling…. a joy to be alive and breathing, a happiness to exist .
Slowly I begin to remember what happened in my Therapy session the day before . I remember waking up the day before , crying, filled with tears but no immediate reason why , sad and useless and kind of empty. I dragged myself up and out to see Sandra , was 10 mins early so sat and sobbed on the curb , still not knowing or actually caring why.
Once I was inside her room I still couldn’t stop crying and so we went straight in , AIT style hands on each chakra saying a statement and releasing the energetic charge of the statement through each of my chakras the statement was all the trauma and sadness.
We did the releasing twice and then I felt into myself and observed what came up.
Me , in a see through bubble, not really breathing or connecting , bouncing off the sides whenever I moved towards anything not In my bubble. We went round again and I felt the bubbles grey thickness begin to move , its consistency like paper mache that we used to make at school with the weird shiny see through loo roll. Grey and gloopy. Then I see me again , this time running, with a precious bundle in my arms . I don’t want to dove deep in here, I just know that that piece of me is free and so is her precious bundle and for me now that is enough!
I’m still wobbly but I’m not crying anymore and there is a feeling of joy which was not there before. I say to Sandra
“I would like to help myself become more than the mass of my experiences so far , I would like to fully be able to create my reality from a place of peace Love and Joy . “
She smiles her Angel smile at me and shows me
It’s called ‘You are the Placebo’ I’ve come into contact with it before, a woman I was a carer for used to get me to put the meditations on for her as I was massaging her hands and feet .
I could only remember it as good but with no details. So here are the details!
Here is the link to the meditation which is about 40mins.
The structure is:
A kind of body scan focusing on the spaces in and around/beyond your body
Becoming no-person, no-place, no-time – more wave than particle: open to possibility
Focus on a perception/belief you want to change and imagining the new state
Feeling gratitude as if it has already happened.
The place I came to because of this mediation is a place that I had forgotten. This place of peace is my original state . This upswell of Joy and Love is my birthright, as a Piece of Creation creating within creation! Wow!
Check it out , try it for yourselves and let me know how it works for you! There are no wrong answers! I just love hearing from you all! We are all in this together and what one of us can do all of us can do! Xxxlovelaraxxx
Don’t panic , it’s ‘just’ a PANIC ATTACK !
‘Just’ is a very interesting word to me . It is put before many different descriptions of this our Human experience. And to me it seems to be a way of making whatever’s going on , seem a bit smaller, a bit gentler , a bit less extreme than what the experience actually is ,for self or other !
I find it very interesting when the word is put in front of the words Panic Attack . Especially when these words are spoken by someone who has never actually physically noticed themselves having a panic attack.
Speaking from the inside of my brain and body , that over the last 3 years has been experiencing something happen to me every now and then ,which I never experienced before the stillbirth of Angel Benjammin, my loss of a hospital tables worth of blood and my heart stopping for a bit , I can say categorically that there is no such thing as ‘just’ a panic attack!
I know and appreciate that every one of us amazing awesome pieces of Creation are different and experience our perception of life in our own individual ways . That said I’m going to describe what my experience of a panic attack is , just so anyone who has never heard of or experienced one themselves, can have a description to at least begin a compassionate response from .
I’m not gonna pretend that I’m going to be able to tell you exactly what happens to me , because the first thing that lets me know that something is going on is that I become aware that I am out of my body , but again this is not completely it , more like I realise that something is not right or normal . But this noticing is like a really small quiet voice in my mind , my mind that is watching myself and saying , ‘this is not right ‘for but as my brain begins to hear this voice my eyes, ears ,skin ,nose ,tongue and very essence begin to shudder with a deeply experienced feeling of dread. My heart is racing my stomach tight Jaw clenched. I may realise that I am holding my breath and when I try to begin to breathe, I realise how hard my body is shaking . All of this might happen in a second , this becoming bodily aware of the panic , then because it’s so overwhelming , for my brain I ‘just’ pop out of my body again and the whole experience loops round again.
If I’m lucky , as I begin to realise , I manage to remember that this is a panic attack. I then do the things that I have learned, I tap ,I take rescue remedy , I go to find someone I trust and know well and I say ‘I’m having a panic attack. I accept the cuddles and the tea and I sit , breathing. Until my heart starts to beat slower. At some point I realise that I am now in my body and my heart is inside my body and so am I.This begins to be a nice feeling, I start to feel good about being in my body , my mind starts to think , and before I know it I’m crying, now sobbing, now shaking….. and I’m out of my body again and back in the panic loop!
This part of the panic attack is the most frustrating. The gentle acceptance that it takes a while to calm down completely and that any small thing can then set the cycle off again has been a hard won piece of self learning. So I sit , I tap , I breathe, I take rescue remedy , I let myself cry , I allow myself to process my feelings, I’ve been through ALOT and it is appropriate for me to have extreme emotional reactions sometimes especially whilst I am in the middle of my 5 month set of energetic therapy sessions .
Here’s what I say
“ Even though, I’m still having a panic attack ,
I still truely and deeply ,
Love Honour Cherish and Respect myself,
All parts of Myself, including my totally justified panic attack.
And I ask for help , in healing
And I give thanks that my healing is happening. “
And then I tap some more and I drink some water , I tap all over my body sometimes and always remember to drink water . And then gradually the Traumatic feelings finally leave and I’m left feeling tired but more me than I was before.
Sometimes this panic attack cycle can be over in a hour , sometimes it takes days . I’m walking with it and revealing my true self to myself gently and compassionately, just like I would for anyone else , but this time I’m doing it for Me! And Angel Benjammin is proud of his Mum for finally doing it!
I hope this helps and I would love to know your thoughts and experiences too! Xxxlovelaraxxx
Taming our minds!
Therapy and life together is a heady exhausting experience! The places the kinetic muscle testing leads my therapist and I to , to heal and release are sometimes quite hard for my thinking mind to accept. I’m ok with healing stuff from my lifetime so far , from my conception, from my genetic family line all these are acceptable to me . However , healing trauma from past lives ?!!!! This I found harder to accept , my brain felt angry , why should I have to do that too? Why can’t I just heal me and get on with my life ? Another bit of my brain lobbies for attention pointing out that my Soul
So any experience of my Soul is my experience. I’m still annoyed and half half don’t really wanna go there ! But I’m in therapy because my brain and emotions are too hair trigger extreme for me to function ably so I shut my brain up
And I get on!
I call in my Angelic support group Billy rose, Angel Benjammin Nanna Ivy Granny Ethel , Ben
To be strong for me and to communicate with this past life piece of me , seeing as they are there already!
I was then aware that my gang all linked arms and stood around me
Closely protecting me . Then they said , as one , ‘ She’s really REALLY angry! ‘
So Sandra and I used AIT , the release thru my chakras one , and we started to release
‘All the rage ‘
On the first round from crown to root , I felt really sick and literally heaved ! feeling a tight pressure on my Throat. We went through my chakras again and the next time I could feel a hot prickling all over me like pins of fire , hot and angry and strong but in pieces ! We went round again and this time at my heart I began the cry and as we finished and I sat , a woman came to me and told me her story
Alice in the 1800’s , married to a drunk who beat and harmed her , one day he nearly strangled her , she fought back and killed him ! Then they hung her ! No wonder she was pissed off!
I felt her peace as her rage was released and her story witnessed, and then she left me .
The next 24 hrs were very strange , I was grieving, silent and crying, not really able to explain to myself or others what was happening. I finally realised I was grieving that my soul knew what it felt like to kill.
It finally passed , and I am a bit gentler to others and myself than I was before .
My brain still jumps around madly thinking ! I’m Learning to quiet it’s chatter . It’s not easy to break a habit of a lifetime but I’m giving it a go! Here’s what I do! Try it and let me know how it works for you!
Once your body is relaxed , focus on your breath.
It is common for thoughts to arise and for you to want to attend to them. Each time this occurs focus specifically on your breathing. Some find that when they actually think of their nostrils and the air entering and exiting that this brings their focus back.
Other techniques that assist in decreasing mind wandering are the use of a mantra, a word or phrase that is repeated over and over, or focusing on a candle or single object. By doing so it is impossible to give those wandering thoughts attention. In some practices, the teacher gives the mantra to the student who tells no one else the mantra. Find that which works best for you. Everyone is different. Mine is’ lovelovelove’
It will take time and effort. Don’t be discouraged. It may take a few weeks or even longer before you start seeing the profound effect of a quiet mind. You won’t have the same desire to emotionally engage in thoughts that often are negative or distracting. The calmness you felt from simply relaxing will increase because when you are not distracted by internal dialogue the associated emotional response does not occur. It is this response that has an effect on the rest of your body.
Practice the above exercise for 20-30 minutes per day. Make the time.
The reward for patience is clarity of thought.
For me It’s starting to work! I’m holding my breath less and the voices in my head banging on about how shit I am are quieter and sometimes not there at all! Yay!
I know we all have shit , some really awful some not so bad , but shit all the same . So I’m putting this out there to help , cos if it can help me then It must be pretty good, cos Im a stubborn mofo!!!!!’ Hope it helps ! Xxxlovelaraxxx
Breathe That’s the basis of it all. ‘Just’ breathing! As I put this ‘just breathing’ into practice it has become very clear to me that I hold my breath ALOT! Ok so I’ve never learnt to breathe properly! I’m 46 and now my Mind is finally paying attention to my primary physical function that supports my life! This discovery is more than a little surprising to my Mind, it is however the truth my Soul has been communicating to my Body for my whole physical life! At this stage Mind does a bit of negative thinking about how stupid slow and ridiculous I am , then I remember that my only real experience is Now and I am in charge of my thoughts and that I Awesome Being of Creation that I am, can create my reality . So I breathe Feet flat on ground, back straight, hands resting on thighs. I recall the words of awesome Cunt Goddess Laura-Doe Harris ( The yoniversity.com look her up she I s AMAZING!!) Accept the breath through your nose ,into your lungs , allow the breath to fill you completely. Release your breath through your mouth let it all go , empty yourself , Then allow yourself to be filled again, from your Base, Pelvis, to belly to lungs , filled. Then release your breath allowing it to carry away any tight negative stress and pains. This is my recalling of her words not a verbatim account! The memory of it does me good ! When it’s all getting too much I remember, I stop thinking and I breathe. I’ve not found it particularly easy! My Mind runs away with itself , faster and faster and then sometimes I realise that I’m holding my breath …. then I stop and start again …. it’s like when I was teaching my toddling sons the small life stuff , socks, shoes ,teeth , feet etc , it took loads of attempts and I had to keep loving them and assisting them that they could do it themselves… so know I’m using some of my 20 years worth of Mum skills on myself! Patiently I focus on my breathing and I also tap my sternum and say my thing( a version of Emotional freedom Technique EFT) Even though ..(today) I feel scared and upset. I still truly and deeply, Love , Honour, Cherish and Respect myself. All parts of myself Including my scared and upset feelings And I ask for help in healing And I give thanks that it is happening.
I breathe some more and I realise that I’m not shaking anymore, my hearts beating normal and I am breathing, easily deeply and consciously! Accepting that I am perfect and that bits of my brain could also function in a gentler kinder way to myself is more than a little confusing and challenging for me ! However I’m going for it anyway and moving a lot of old held stuff , allowing space for me to learn some new skills that I’ve missed out on so far! Like breathing! In the last 4 years since my Stillbirth experience with my Son Angel Benjammin Love I’ve met a lot of people who have had some really traumatic Birth experiences, before that I mostly met people who had had really traumatic relationship or sexual experiences. It seems many of us have a heavy ride in life and all we can do is ride the wave and get skilled at consciously focussing our minds on what brings us the most Joy and the most Love , coz for me anyway I just can’t be bothered anymore just swimming around in the same old shit! So here I am writing up anything I find that I can offer up to anyone searching to find their inner Love, joy and peace cos I reckon it’s worth a go!!!! If it’s helpful I’d love to read yer comments! I do LOVE YOU ALL! Xxxlovelaraxxx
“Let it go, let it go, can’t hold it back anymore….” ‘Frozen’
The first week into therapy in 2019 has moved something in me , this feels good. I’m not too sure what has moved and I never really knew in my conscious mind that I was carrying it!
So alongside the happy released feeling I also have a feeling of middling confusion. Not massive but unfamiliar and I am unsure about how much to look into it.
My logical mind says , you feel happy and positive, energetic and empowered, that’s brilliant! Let’s get on with feeling like that and living! Another piece of my mind asks , is it really that simple ? Can I really just track back Traumatic responses in my present to energetic blockages in my past and release them even if I do not know the details? Another part says , it’s cloudy there for a reason! It’s stuff you’ve carried genetically not anything to do with Lara in this Here and Now , that’s why it has come up for release!
It’s here in this dialogue that I begin to see my trauma based behaviour pattern . This part of me needs to know, needs to be in control because if not … argggh! …. My newly recognised sovereign feeling , my unconditional Love place is completely at ease with accepting not all needs to be dug up and fully seen all the time always . My logical , kind , loving self says , let it be, you don’t have to experience this trauma too! You have experienced everything else as Lara that has brought you to this point to be able to heal this place in your genetic family line so you yourself and your ancestors past and future are healed .
It’s all getting a bit big and scary for me again now, but then I breathe deeply for 3 breaths , in and out , focussing on my roots going into the Earth and my branches reaching up to the Sky , I breathe 3 more breaths and allow myself to accept energy into my roots and branches from Earth and Sky to fill my Heartspace. With another 3 breaths my Heart feeling full I invite myself to allow the positive energy from Earth and Sky ,Roots and Branches to fill my whole physical body including my Mind . So now in 3 last deep breaths I allow myself to feel full and energised at Body, Mind and Soul levels .
I re read what I have written , and my mind fills with the old Beatles song ‘Let it Be ‘
“When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be“
So with a bit of belief and courage I step into a new way of thinking. I’ve put my confusion with the situation down and I have allowed myself to accept a new reality is possible where I don’t need to know everything all the time ! Wow what a relief!
It takes practice for me to stay in this headspace because I am so used to behaving in my trauma triggered pattern. But now I know that this is a pattern I have a possibility and a good reason to step into and keep consciously creating a reality for myself that serves me and my highest good! Yay!
So here they are . My first tentative steps into a New reality at the start of this New year. I send them out to Us all as inspiration and information . If you fancy telling me what you’ve experienced ,if you use this breath meditation that would be fab! There’s no right or wrong – just experiences!
“This little light of mine , I’m gonna let it shine , let it shine , let it shine , let it shine!”
THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!!!!
I am blessed to have found a therapist and to have worked out a donation that I can afford ! I am blessed with stubbornness and a relentless belief that ‘all will be well and all is well’ THANKYOU Julian of Norwich ! I am blessed that I have already begun to learn first aid and coping techniques to help with the symptoms of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder ( old name ‘Shell Shock’) I am blessed that I have learned to be vulnerable and ask for help. I am blessed with amazing friends and family who love and support me. Good job really
Because life keeps happening! Totally unfair events happen and people are completely unreasonable and mean! So I breathe , I tap, I repeat mantras , I go to therapy and I do my best not to be a wobbly sobbing mess on the floor, and I let myself hear others when they say ‘ yep sometimes life is an ass!!!!’
So here is the relaxation method from my treatment See if you can do it at least 3 times in a week and let me know how you get on .
Allocate both time and a place to do this exercise so that you will not be interrupted.
Do not start if you are already stressed, have other matters distracting you, have drunk alcohol, used recreational drugs, or are tired.
Before beginning sit for a few minutes and just relax. Think of what you wish to accomplish with this exercise. Define your intention.
Now close your eyes.
Begin by taking three deep breaths in through your nose and slowly out through your mouth. Repeat until you get used to this type of breathing so that the breathing itself is not distracting you.
Once you feel comfortable breathing in this manner specifically think about how you are sitting and mentally imagine that you are looking at yourself.
Now in your mind focus with intention beginning with your toes and extending to your feet relaxing your muscles. Feel how it is almost like they melt away as you continue to breathe in and out. Only focusing on your feet and toes. When you begin, it will be easy to be distracted or have your thoughts wonder. When this happens simply begin again relaxing the muscles of your toes and feet.
Once you have been able to relax your toes and feet, extend more proximally and repeat the exercise relaxing your calves and thighs, relax the muscles of your abdomen and chest, think of your spine and relaxing the muscles of your spine, your shoulders and then your neck. Relax the muscles of your face and scalp.
As you are able to extend the relaxation of the muscles of your body, notice that there is a calmness overcoming you. That you feel good. At this point, it is not unusual to feel sleepy or fall asleep. That’s okay. It may take several attempts to get to this point and be able to hold this feeling of being relaxed. Be patient. Be kind to yourself.
Focus now on your heart and think of relaxing your heart muscle as you slowly breathe in and out. You will find that your heartbeat will slow as your body relaxes and your breath is controlled.
Imagine your body, now completely relaxed, and experience the sense of simply being as you slowly breathe in and out through your nose. Feel the sense of warmth. Many will feel that they are floating and be overcome with a sense of calmness. Sit with this feeling and continue to slowly breathe in and slowly exhale out.
With intention remember this sense of relaxation, calmness and warmth.
Now slowly open your eyes. Sit for a few minutes with your eyes open and just be with no other intention or thought.
Breath and relaxation are the first steps towards taming the mind.
Ps we are all in this together! We all matter and we all can heal !!!!! I LOVE YOU AND ALLWAYS WILL! Xxxlovelaraxxx